Happy Day

Brianna-17, and her buddy Kiwi

Brianna- 17, & Cierra-11 (Love this pic!)

Cierra- 11; so excited about a new DS game

Morganne- 13, THRILLED!!

The End. LOL

Countdown....

Almost Ready! I've amazed myself with what I've accomplished this past week! Some final wrapping today (after sleeping quite late, my exhausted mind/body is saying THANK YOU) and then I can relax. I'm making a vow to myself right now-- next year I am not going to put myself in this stressful situation. Shop early! Wrap Early! Enjoy the weeks leading up to the holiday, instead of being overwhelmed.

Peace, health and Joy to all.

Shopping Frenzy

Someone slap me for not getting started on Christmas sooner! argh- life is not cooperating lately! Guess the tree is going to have a very short half life at our house this year...... since it's not even up yet. Bad me. I'm doing some very harried online shopping due to current life circumstances and my obsessive dislike of crowds and traffic. Hey the shipping charges equate a tank of gas so I guess it's all the same in the end.

Cold Sunset

A Crisp Clear Beautiful Day leads to a gorgeous sunset

This is about 1/2 mile from my house or 10-15 min walk

At the bottom of the hill. The sky was incredible looking.

Cool clouds! It was incredibly beautiful, and about 46 degrees.

*inspired by and for Janice, my ocean loving buddy who lives far to far away.

Sunday

Danged Tree is still on top of the neighbors house! When is the tree service going to get here???? What do you want to bet they're simply going to show up, unannounced?

Ok, so I mentioned it was stormy.... here's my

driveway this morning. Not so bad-- typical

after a storm here.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered this:

Thankfully no one lives in the house next door,

and even more thankfully this tree in my side yard

did not fall on MY house during the night!

Now that's quite some adrenaline rush first thing in the morning!

Stormy

Major Wind Storm since yesterday and overnight! Not sure how much rain there was. My guess it'll look like driving through a tornado once I venture out. Thankfully, no loss of power! Nothing worse than waking to no power. All us girlie types need to shower and use our electrical appliances. One extremely tardy young lady has her's going full blast at the moment. Will we be in the car in 5 mins as expected? Doubt it....

Going to check out the ocean later. Supposed to some major waves. Stay tuned.....

Useless Crap about Me

No more whining! I'm going to make a concentrated effort to focus something positive from now on.

For fun, I stole this from Janices blog.

1. What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now? Soft Soap Pure Cashmere Moisturizing Body Wash

2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? Yes :o)

3. What would you change about your living room? The ugly 70's style chandelier wall sconces

4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? D-I-R-T-Y, but almost ready to run

5. What is in your fridge? Turkey, Cheese, Sausages, Homemade Turkey Soup, Milk, OJ, 1/2+1/2, Lemonade, yogurt, assorted condiments (mayo, mustard, butter, ketchup, salad dressings, marinades, etc) some veggies and apples
Back up Fridge in the garage mainly holds drinks- Snapple, Water bottles, Propel, Vitamin Water, Diet Pepsit/7Up and overflow bulk food stuffs from Costco

6. White or wheat bread? Multi-Grain and Sourdough baby

7. What is on top of your refrigerator? a bunk of junk. Baskets, phone book ummm not sure what else

8. What color or design is on your shower curtain? No shower curtains here

9. How many plants are in your home? None. I have a black thumb :o(

10. Is your bed made right now? haven't done it yet, but I will. I like to get into a made bed at night.

11. Comet or Soft Scrub? Comet works better

12. Is your closet organized? Depends which one you look in, LOL!

13. Can you describe your flashlight? My flashlight, as in only one? We have many assorted sizes and strengths

14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic more at home? Glass

15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? Not sure, the kids make the pitcher drinks- I never drink 'em. It's probably Crystal Light of some random flavor

16. If you have garage, is it cluttered?Way cluttered. But there is a spot for my car right in the middle of it. snicker

17. Curtains or blinds? Blinds

18. How many pillows do you sleep with? I have 5 on my bed

19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night? Not unless you count my evil next door neighbor who likes to shower at 3am and the light from their humongous bathroom window shines right into my bedroom.....grrrr

20. How often do you vacuum? not often enough :o( I'm dreaming of a dyson... someday

21. Standard toothbrush or electric? Regular ole' arm powered

22. What color is your toothbrush? uhhhh teal and ???????

23. Do you have welcome mat on your front porch? There is a rough mat for wiping feet, it does not say Welcome

24. What is in your oven right now? crumbs

25. Is there anything under your bed? Yeah some boxes

26. Chore you hate the most? Cleaning bathrooms!

27. What retro items are in your home? Retro sounds so nice, like something COOL. My house is
straight out of the 80's for the most part... I just call it U-G-L-Y

28. Do you have a separate room you use an an office? I wish

29. How many mirrors are in your home? I don't know? All bedrooms have mirrored closets, plus bathrooms, plus a few assorted others...

30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? No! But that's an excellent idea

31. What color are your walls? Mostly white, except one bathroom that had hideous wallpaper

32. What does your home smell like right now? Nothing, no one is here except me

33. Favorite candle scent? Not really a candle burner-- but I do like vanilla, or subtle scents

34. What kind of pickles are in your refrigerator right now? For my pickle loving girl- the big huge honking kind

35. Ever been on your roof? Nope! Only da' man goes up there to blow the pine needles and clean the gutters out

36. Do you own a stereo? I don't! How lame is that?

37. How many TVs do you have?Embarrassed to say it...6

38. How many phones? One with 4 handsets plus 4 cell phones

39. Do you have a housekeeper? I WISH!!!! My ultimate fantasy...... it's a sad existence! LOL

40. What style do you decorate in? I wish I had a style! Modern messy? Due to three heathens who refuse to help out?

41. Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints? I do have 2 patterned couches but I prefer solid... those patterned ones are getting old!

42. Is there a smoke detector in your home? Yep, every room!

So thanksgiving is over. It went well. Now it's time for everyone to go back to school and the stress of the holidays is here. I wish I could enjoy the holiday season more- but it just feels like such a chore each year. I hate that I can't drum up more enthusiasm for it. I didn't even shop this weekend, not even online! That's a first. I'm in major avoidance mode.

I haven't been sleeping well and resorted to sleep aid last night- but tonight I'm up to late to take anything, since I have to be back up in a little over 6 hours.

I wonder why depression and other mental disorders tend to run in families?

The dreaded "C" word

I'm embarking on a path today-- that I don't do often enough. What is it, you wonder? It's called CLEANING. Oh Joy! I admit it-- I'm a fairly lousy housekeeper. I don't vacuum, dust or mop often enough. Nor do I do laundry often enough. I think it stems back to my domineering childhood where I was a mate in the Navy (or so it felt) so with obvious abandon, I did just that the moment I was on my own at 17 years old...... rebelled completely and fully at being orderly, structured and rigid cleaning routines. Now, 20+ years later I can see the merits of it, but somehow that doesn't motivate me .... much. I'm best in a "must do" scenario. Today's "must do" scenario is the return of my oldest daughter. She's been gone for 6 weeks and as much as I detest breaking out the scrubbers for the bathroom and vacuuming the rafters in the living/family rooms- I want the house to be clean so it "feels" good when she arrives home later today. I love the clean feeling, as well. The main glitch is that it doesn't last long enough due to the other heathens that occupy this house with me!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go....

Slugsville

Boy, I've been a real slug with my blog this month. Not sure why- I just feel completely apathetic.

I've been waking up with horrible headaches A LOT. what's the deal with that? Shouldn't you feel your best after a night of sleep? I feel like crap most of the time it seems. Aching Head, Aching Neck. My neck has been really out of whack.

Bri comes home this Saturday. 6 weeks FLEW by. I have mixed feelings. It's been so nice not to deal with her drama. There's been plenty of long distance drama- but she is much nicer to me when she's not home. Ok lets be real. I'm dreading it. I'm expecting her to be completely pissed off about being home and take it all out on me. I actually feel somewhat ill, knowing what will inevitably be coming. I don't think distance will have made her heart feel fonder-- if anything it will probably have only confirmed how badly she wants to leave. I just wish that didn't mean making my life a living misery.

School starts in 3 weeks. Where did summer go? I'm going to miss being a slug.

Ugh HOT

We're in Santa Clara for softball and it's HOT. I don't like it when it's over 80. I know most of the west is sizzling at 100* so I can't really complain, but I must. Because I love softball but sitting in the sun broiling somewhat ruins the joy of watching the girls play. I forgot my camera at home so darn! No pics. The first game at 8am was a loss. 2 more games today. We slept like crap and I personally have that hangover feeling from only getting a few hours sleep. I requested a room change and I think tonight will be much better. We had obnoxious neighbors across the hall who were SO loud. Plus one of the guys was drunk and oogling my 13 year old. PERV!

edit: wonderful breeze kicked up this afternoon so I'm not dying of heat anymore. Woot! We're back for a pool break before the last game later this afternoon.

I guess I'm done jumping out of my skin. I've been in a funk and I still feel like I'm not quite myself. I've accepted that B., my bipolar daughter is on her own for the summer and will simply continue to hope that she manages to navigate her days on her own. Every time I talk to her she's done something that screams of "not thinking it through" which is maddening (to me!) Yet, she appears to be having a good time and I can only hope that on the other end she'll come through the experience more mature and motivated, as well as having a realistic view of the world and what it will take for her to be responsible for herself on a daily basis. I worry constantly about whether she is taking her meds- and I don't think she'd tell me if she's not. Oh well. There's only so much I can do.

In other news- we got an Offer on our house, which we countered and they accepted. We're technically in escrow now, but I'm not holding my breath. The "Offerors" have to sell their house and in this market I'm not overly optimistic that it's all going to come together. However, I'd appreciate any good thoughts and/or vibes on this matter. I suppose I'll now have to start weeding through junk, trying to pare down in an effort to prepare for possibly moving (again.) sigh. Moving is SUCH a PITA!

Leaving this afternoon for our last softball tournament for the summer. I'm definitely ready for softball to be over. Not looking forward to the weekend since it means traveling to and being in the super uber hot heat this weekend. Bleck. I'm not a heat lover.

MIA

Yep, that about sums things up lately. Me= MIA.

The last month has mostly been a blur. To much to do, to much to keep track of.

I've made it through to the other end, but I'm really struggling right now trying to work through issues revolving around anxiety (me) and anger-dissapointment-selfishness- related to my oldest child. Not knowing if the way she behaves is her bipolar or simply an all consuming over-riding selfish ungreatful need to behave in a way that crushes me to the very core. I want to believe she doesn't do it on purpose but I'm having a definite crisis of faith.

Birthday and softball updates to come later, when I don't feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin.

Overly Busy

If anyone actually reads my blog..... I've been super busy and my computer crashed a couple weeks back. Got a new hard drive and now I'm back in business.

School's out, Softball tournament all last weekend shuttling back and forth between 2 different locations. Another tournament this weekend, but both girls are playing at the same location.

Next week is M.'s 13th birthday and I haven't begun to prepare (bad me!) then B. is leaving for SF next weekend. OMG. Somehow I'll survive it. I hope.

League Champs!

M.'s team won the league playoffs for Minors. Very cool! They were 100% undefeated through all games, regular season and post. M. is the blonde standing in the back row.

All Star tournaments start this weekend and my girls will be in 2 different cities at different tournaments. Not sure how I'm going to do that, yet!

School is out Friday. The past several weeks have been madness! Looking forward to summer!

Playoffs, Day 2

C.'s team lost, 4-3. They were eliminated. Big Drama at the game. Going into the 5th, is was 0-0. Then C. had a meltdown and wouldn't pitch. Another girl had to sub, and needless to say it wasn't pretty- the other team scored 3. Despite this our team rallied and tied it up in the 6th. But due to pitching rules- none of our regular girls could re-enter the game so a girl who had never pitched had to go in and try to hold it down. Bless her heart, what a position to be in. In the middle of all this our coach found out we'd been seeded wrong and should have been the home team. A formal protest was lodged. The game stood as is, because the tournament was badly organized and it was discovered some other teams were seeded incorrectly too. It would have meant replays for all teams..... whatever. The girls handled the loss with grace and made us all proud.

M.'s team on the other hand, remain undefeated! They won round 2 of the play offs; 5-1. The championship game is tomorrow at 2pm. M. made some stellar plays at shortstop, and did not have to pitch- which was good because her shoulder still hurts. Luckily pitching rules are more generous at her level of play, allowing more innings per pitcher and they did not need to put her in. Tomorrow will be the big showdown for league champ..... fingers crossed! They are facing a team they did not play during the regular season.

Lastly, more good news. B. told her boss about going to SF for the summer art program, and she is giving her the time off- so she doesn't have to quit her job. That's been weighing heavily on her- and when something weighs heavily on her it runs over onto me........ because she doesn't handle stress at all, and I get the brunt of it, always. BIG sigh of relief! Whew.

Me? Simply tired. Good tired, but bone tired, never the less. Bed is calling me early tonight.

One game down....

1st playoff game won!... and they advance to the next round. Won 11-7. M. pitched a couple of the innings and injured her shoulder. Worried about that, and hope it's not serious. It was another freezing cold night, windy and brrrrrrrr! Is it really June 1st? Sure doesn't feel like summer yet! M.'s team plays again tomorrow afternoon, and C. plays their first game tomorrow morning. Brianna came with me to the game tonight! First time all season. Wish she'd come more, but yay to my girl.

Giants are winning 13-0 against the Phillys. Bye Bye Armando Benitez! Good riddance! What did the Marlins do to deserve you? Dunno.... just glad you are finally outta-here!

Play-Off Bound

Last softball game of the regular season tonight. The ump was 45 min late. It was freezing out. The game was tied 2-2, and they lost 3-2. Bummer. But the silver lining is despite the loss, they ARE going to play-offs this weekend! We thought they were out, if they lost tonight. So the girls pepped right back up, just as one would expect of a bunch of giggly 5th grade girls. Went to Pizza for their end of the season celebration- fun was had by all. Got home at 9:30, which is pretty dang late for us on a school night! I'm super exhausted.

So both my girls teams are going to playoff-s this weekend. Should be loads of fun- provided I don't have conflicts with games, but of course I know that will happen.

I think M. will also be chosen for All-Stars, but the "official" call will be coming Sunday night... so I'm told.. but I "don't " know anything about it! It's all so cryptic whatever. just tell us so we can make plans for summer.

Summer! Man that's a weird thought! It's almost upon us....... School is out next Friday! WOW!

Just me and my buddy

Saturday. Memorial Day Weekend. Today it's just me and my buddy, C. The two older ones are gone for the day-- one at work, the other at a birthday party at Raging Waters. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend, but it's drippy and cold here so far. No big plans of any kind for the weekend. C. and I are going to do something today... not sure what yet. Still in coffee mode here, despite being up early to start up the Mom Taxi. If it doesn't get sunny maybe we'll hit the movies. Can't actually remember the last movie I saw at the movie theatre.

Cierra made the All-Star Softball team. So softball continues for awhile. Whoot!

Sickness and Assorted BS

So C. came home from camp a week ago with some cold symptoms. It's finally kicked in big- and she's been home 2 days from school sick. I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd start feeling it too. I guess today is my lucky day... woke up with that slight itch in the back of my throat along with a swollen feeling. Joy.

M. came home yesterday complaining about having horrible cramps. Proceeded to be in a less than pleasant attitude for the remainder of the day. What a cruel twist of nature- that a 12 year old has to endure the bodily torture of assorted menstrual pains. It's bad enough as an adult, I think it royally sucks that my 12 year old has to endure this now too. Advil and a heating pad didn't really help her.

Took B. to her regular appt with her psychiatrist yesterday. No med changes but a complete blood work up ordered. She is doing "ok" but never really seems "good" to me. She writes constantly on her blog about how unhappy she is, how much she hates life, etc etc. She wrote recently about purging in the shower and how she cried and shook afterward. I can't let her know I know- obviously, or she'll close her site down. I feel helpless to help her- and I can't even alert her doctor, as he's "her" doc and I don't have an opportunity to talk to him privately. It's an awful feeling, like being an observer on the sidelines- unable to intervene. An interesting aside- on the paperwork for the blood draw he wrote "bipolar depressive disorder" as the diagnosis. He refers to bipolar with her frequently, I know he believes her to be bipolar (as do I ) but he doesn't give her an official diagnosis of BP- because of the problems this may cause for her in her adult life... getting insurance, medical privacy, etc. Our insurance pays nothing for any of her visits and little for her meds- and we are slowly being bankrupt with all the bills. The ironic things is that if she were given an official diagnosis of BP, then we could get some reimbursement. They will pay for "serious" psychological disorders: BP, schizophrenia, and something else which I don't recall. What a catch-22! Push for the diagnosis so we can get some reimbursement? or hold out in order to hopefully not adversely effect or limit her future. Obviously I haven't pushed to have her labeled officially, but it simply SUCKS! The stress over the money is contributing to physical issues of my own.

Ho Hum

Hmmm.... feeling kind of out of sorts, and I'm not sure why. Haven't been posting as I don't really have anything to say. Kind of feeling blue and at lose ends.

Softball is wrapping up. C.'s team lost last Sat., which was a crushing blow to her. Her team made a ton of errors in the field though. Last night both girls had games and both won. M.'s team is undefeated for the season. They won it 15-0. Last game for the regular season is Thursday. C's team still has 2 games, 1 tonight and last one next week.

School is out 2 weeks from Friday, and I can't believe how fast the year flew by. Unreal.

Not much else to say. Hopefully I can shake this ho-hum feeling soon.

Softball game tonight , a smashing 16-5 victory. Lots of walks by the other team. C.'s shoulder hurts-- not sure what to do about that other than ice? First time all season it's bothered her. Hope it doesn't last since she has another game Sat morning at 9am.

Gas is up 4c since Sunday. 4 days = 4c increase. I took a picture but I'm to tired to go get my camera.

Not much else to say really. Have been out every night this week.... I'm more tired than usual and looking forward to R&R on Sunday. I've been DVRing the Giants games and they've been losing which sucks! But the pitchers have been awesome lately. To bad the team can't rally behind them. I'd love to go see the Giants and the Yankees.... but the game has been sold out for months! bummer.

How much higher will it go?

This is the cheapest gas around for about 10 miles. I snapped this pic on the way home from taking B. to work this morning. I don't even buy gas at this station- the lines are usually out into the road backing up traffic. The last station I went to fill up at, last week sometime was about 4c higher. Cost me $82 to fill my tank. OUCH! When will the madness end?

Kiwi, the amazing fat cat

I took this picture and sent it to Cierra at Science camp, because I knew she'd be missing our cat. Pretty funny pic- don't know how I managed to catch her with her tongue hanging out!

She is the most docile cat I've ever known. Loves to be pushed down on the floor and rolled around, smacked on her tummy- she just takes it all and purrs loudly.

Exhausted

Exhausted. That's what I am.... but in a good way. Was gone all day. 2 softball games, both away. Both games won. First game 12-1; Second game 19-7. It was a beautiful day, sunny but tooo windy.
Arrived home nearly 9 hours after I'd left, thoroughly wiped out. Amazing how the sun and wind can sap one's body of all energy. I wish I had pictures, but it's so hard taking them when I'm scorekeeping.
Left this morning before B. was awake. You think she'd call, at least once? Wondering where I am, or her sisters? It's unusual for us to be gone for hours on end. A few hours- ok, but all day?Nope, not my kiddo. Gone all day and no call, nor a thought. Arrived home tonight to find her grumpy as usual. Looking like she did nothing but sit on the couch and watch tv all day. Saw no signs of having done any school work or having studied for her driving test. The one thing I asked her to do was spend some time going over the info for the test so she can pass the dang thing! I'm seriously annoyed at her lack of motivation to get her licence. Gee, I've only had that honda sitting out in front of the house for..... nearly 6 months now? Awaiting her gloried presence...
Oh well! Just another one of the many mysteries that is my daughter. go figure. If someone had handed me a car when I was 16; I'd have been all over it faster than.... well I don't know what. but Fast. LOL

Exhaustion rules... must go sleep now.

Equilibrium Re-established

Cierra is home. Tired and happy. Happy to see me, Very happy! And I can't begin to describe how happy I was to see her. There is amazing restorative power with love. Several long hugs, and we are both grinning ear to ear. I love that kiddo so dang much. Extra bonus: my buddy to again watch baseball with. It's not nearly as fun watching alone. And the Giants actually pulled off a win tonight! Woowoo, Go Giants!

Update on B,:
after our blow up yesterday, she made a rare attempt to make amends with me. She didn't have a lot to say- but the effort to apologize is huge. Bipolar skews all the lines. Everything, including normal easy communication is amazingly hard. Things for you and I, just are not the same for someone who is bipolar.Anyway- she couldn't articulate what happened or why it happened, but for a rare change, she listened to me and I felt like headway was made and some resolution occurred. It's very very rare- and a gift I don't take lightly. I love this girl too... It's a much more complicated love- she knows how to break my heart like no other. But I love her fiercely.
I hope life for her will someday, not be so hard.

Out of Sorts

I've felt very discombobulated this week. That's such an odd word... Cierra has been away and I wasn't expecting to feel so out of sorts with her gone. In addition I have been feeling off, physically. For some reason my eyes are really bothering me and I've had some very strangely painful headaches. Today I had a huge blow up with B. Some of her issues are so difficult to deal with, and leave me so emotionally drained. Times like this I struggle with feeling extremely bereft. No one to share with, cry with, gain strenth and perspective from. It's very isolating and lonely.
I'm feeling really low. I'm glad my youngest sweetie will be home tomorrow. I need some hugs.

She's Off to Science Camp

My baby left this morning for a week of Science Camp. It was a rushed weekend after softball, to wash, organize, pack and buy last min items like sunscreen, rain poncho, insect repellent. Small drama over not wanting to take a sleeping bag... " it's to uncomfortable" ( I agree), which I solved by taking her comforter, fleece blanket, and pillow- rolling them all up together, securing with a bungee cord and putting into the carry bag for the sleeping bag. Worked like a charm. It's awfully quiet around here without my baseball partner, don't touch me because I'm so ticklish, snuggle girl. Hope you're having a blast and not feeling to weird trying to sleep away from home.

Here's one of the two busses taking the kids to camp

Cierra is in the grey sweatshirt in the middle of this pic.

Her friend Margaret is next to her on the right, short

blonde hair. Nichole is in the back, waving. The are about

to board the buses.

Yawn

Nothing like getting up at 6am on Saturday. M. is going with her middle school music dept to a competition/festival about 2 hours away. They had to be at the school by 6:30 and will be back around 10pm tonight. Hope they have fun. I don't enjoy getting up so early on the weekend. But I do have to admit, there is something extremely peaceful about seeing the sun come up, and being able to enjoy coffee, email, and a quiet quiet house before anyone else is up. it's not so bad once I can drag myself out of bed.

Heading out to softball games in another hour or so. Then the afternoon will be spent washing clothes and packing up C. for Science camp next week. She leaves Monday and it's going to be so quiet in our house without her here. She's never been away from home for longer than one night. My baby. I know I'm going to miss her terribly. She'll have a blast though!

Here's a picture of my baby several years ago. Awwwwww........!

Powem, by Brianna

I came across this poem written by my oldest daughter when she was about 8 or 10. Note the spelling of "poem." LOL. It perfectly represents who she is still, today, at 17. Seeing it again after all these years made me both laugh and feel sad. I hope someday my girl will be able to spread her wings and be free.

Laughter, it's an amazing thing

So I knew tonight that Bri is definitely over the worst of her manic phase, when I witnessed her smile and laugh. Yes, laugh! Sadly, It's a rare occurance in my world. Maybe the Lunesta is actually helping. I can only hope!

Doc Update

So, she told her doc the truth. Maybe I got through to her a bit. Of course, I don't know what they talked about, but I was called in to discuss meds. No change in meds for now- we're supposed to work on sleep. He seems to feel that if we can get her sleep back where it should be that the rest will settle down. She does seem to be settling down but it's such a drain, dealing with the ups and downs day in and out. At least the super uber hostility has toned down. Now she just her usual grumpy self. I'm so tired...... all the time.

Truth Time

Going to B.'s doc this afternoon. I wonder if she'll be honest with him about how awful the past few weeks have been. I wish I could talk to him privately. It's been a rough road for about 3 weeks now. I've been having a really hard time with "it", much more so than usual. I just feel like my coping ability is really low right now. I really need Calgon to take me awayyyyyyyy......

Ptiching Fun

Cierra has been pegged to pitch this year and is loving it!

Cierra Batting

Grrrrrrr.... Pictures!

I've been trying to upload and publish pics of C. pitching for 2 days. Every time I get them all set and click upload- the page is returned with an error! It's quite aggravating....

Fun in the Sun.... and Wind

Nothing like a day at the pool in the sun and wind to tire you (me) out. Here it is only 10:30 and I'm seriously tired. 10 kiddos at the bday party today. Nearly a perfect day except for the blow-me-down wind! I'm to tired to upload pictures even. Lots of fun was had by all girl, minus one who had the typical pre-teen angst over some imagined injustice committed by one or more of the girls in attendance.

The Giants were rained out for the 2nd day in a row. Barry didn't get to wear #42, in honor of Jackie Robinson's 60th anniversary of his first game in the MLB. Instead, I watched the Padres and Dodgers on ESPN Sunday night baseball. The Pad's really sucked tonight. It was a disappointing, one sided game. All the Jackie Robinson festivities were cool though- especially hearing his widow speak. My interest is sufficiently peaked, that I may check the library for Jackie's auto-biography. I'm especially curious as to why he decided to retire, rather than be traded to the then NY Giants. I never knew that black players were forced to sleep at different hotels. That's appalling.

Softball game tomorrow night...... my girl will be pitching :o)

Birthday Pictures

Birthday Lunch


















View from our table
















Windy day, plus more of the view

\

Blowing out the candles!

Before opening gifts!

Yummm!!

Typical goofy poses..

Spring Break Draws to an End

Friday night. Spring Break is almost over. It was nice sleeping in a few days this past week . Cierra had her birthday. Tomorrow is softball games- and Sunday is C.'s bday party. Monday it's back to reality. I haven't uploaded the bday pictures yet. Each day seems to go by so quickly then it's midnight and I'm pooped! I'm not sure how B. is feeling... she is so hard to read, but I think the worst of her depressive episode has passed. I hope.

My Baby's Birthday

Today (Thurs) was my baby's 11th birthday! She had her sister sleep in her room last night, and this morning I woke to the sound of a door slamming at about 8am. There was then whispering and giggling for awhile, and in my half awake state, I recalled that the night before C. told me she was going to stay in bed until exactly 8:32 am, which is her birth time. At 8:33 am she came into my room to tell me she is now 11. Major tugging on my heartstrings! It was a good day... lots of laughing. Lunch at Sapporo's. I love that place. Japanese style cooking at your table. Beautiful sunny day, although very windy! I ordered the most phenomenal Black Forest Cake for her. Oh it was delish! She was beyond excited to receive the *big surprise*..... a cell phone!
It was a moment to remember-- the stunned, OMG look on her face! Even B. seemed to have a semi good time.... it's the first day she's been out of bed and somewhat out of her funk.

Happy Birthday Cierra!! I can't believe it's been 11 years already!
Pictures to follow.

Here we go again.....

My oldest daughter, B. is in a bad place, again. She is posting on her webpage about wanting to cut herself. Wanting to go to sleep and never get up. She won't talk to me. Her outward demeanor is hostile. Angry. Or alternatively, completely unresponsive. She doesn't try to fight it. She won't let anyone help her and I don't know what to do. She scares me when she is like this. I never know if she is just venting, or when/if it will go beyond words to action. I don't see any signs of mania- only depression. God I hate this. Why can't I help my child? Why won't she LET me? Doesn't she want to be happy... to somehow move beyond the demons that haunt her?

An Attack of Nostalgia

This week is going to go by to fast. I can feel it happening . Thursday is my baby's birthday.
I'm not prepared yet, so today is the day to get it done while she is at a friends house. I can't fathom how it's been nearly 11 years. Last night I was thinking about how 11 years ago I was in my last days of pregnancy- and it made me really sad. I know I'll never be pregnant again. No more babies. No more toddlers. That magical feeling of the baby moving inside you. I tried to remember exactly how it felt to hold her when she was hours old, and I had a very hard time recapturing the feeling. The joy of baby's first smile, their unbridled baby laughter, even the crying that only *you* can soothe. There was joy, in the midst of sheer exhaustion. My baby still likes to snuggle with me every night. She is my baseball watching buddy. She is very upset if she can't be right next to me on the couch. I found myself wondering how much longer it will last. Her 21 month older sister doesn't need to sit next to me anymore. She doesn't want my side or lap to snuggle up to. Normal, completely normal, I know. But.... I'm not ready for them to not need me anymore. I wish I could recapture and bottle the earlier days......for the future which I know is coming and I'd do anything to push it back.

Spring Break

Ahhhhh...... the bliss of "sleeping in!" Yes, it's spring break. Looking forward to a week with a much less hectic pace! Woke up a bit earlier than I would have liked but that is OK. The rest of the gang is still asleep. Everything is soooo quiet and peaceful. Yesterday was Easter- and the baskets were promptly demolished. Both M. and C. had chocolate breakfasts! Silly girls. I enjoyed a fabulously lazy afternoon which consisted of watching Giants baseball and movies. Free HBO weekend. I watched "Lake House" with Sandra Bullock, and completely loved the mushiness of it. I wish something like that could happen in real life. My lovely lazy day was abruptly overtaken last night when I caught my oldest daughter talking on the phone with some guy from My Space. Uggggghhhhh, double Uggghhh! To say I was blown away, is putting it mildly. I am still thinking about her stupidity some 12 hours later. I find it so hard to understand how her sense of right and wrong can be so off? I've talked to her repeatedly about safety, being responsible, etc. only for it to go in one ear-out the other. She knows about online predators. She knows about girls who go missing. She knows about how it could be anyone on the other side of the computer screen. She knows it can all be a pack of lies...We've talked about it frequently. Well scratch that-- **I've** talked AT her about it repeatedly. Yet she called a guy she doesn't know- and now he has her phone number. And we'll never know who he *really* is, and what type of danger she or we, could have been in. I've googled the number but just as I expected- no info. Because it's a cell, of course. She thinks I'm over-reacting (what a surprise)-- I feel like I've failed somehow.
Silly, the logical side of my brain knows it's not me-- but how do I convince the emotional side?

I need a bullhorn

As I go through the daily morning ritual of trying to get my oldest out of bed, I have vary emotions from weary, resigned, could-care-less, annoyed, to down right pissed off. This morning fell into the category "what the hell". Not exactly pissed, just really sick of it. I'm wondering how she would react to a bullhorn or an air horn. That probably sounds incredibly cruel to anyone who doesn't understand the situation here on an almost daily basis. No, I can't just leave her and make her responsible.... because then she will not get up. I did actually do just that, one day last week when I was on my last thread with this whole morning business- and yep, she didn't wake up until after her class was over and then I was accused of "not waking her up." Whatever. I just wish I could understand more completely what it means to be bipolar and not have the ability to get up to an alarm in the morning. How is it different, than for other folks who get up every day this way? I could have more empathy perhaps, if she'd make an attempt to communicate about it, but that is obviously not going to happen....... ever.

Busy Week

I didn't have to get up until 6:30 today and woke at 6am. I hate that! Upon waking my mind shifted into gear immediately and I realized I'm going to be out of the house every night this week... that is so exhausting. Softball game away, tonight. Softball game-home, tomorrow. Wed is Spring Open House at the elementary school, plus 1 dd's softball practice. Thursday- band rehearsal, softball practice, pitching practice. Friday- softball game-home. Throw in assorted days my oldest will be working, going to school, etc and all the driving her to-and-fro..... I'm going to be DEAD friday night. At least it's mostly fun stuff! Hope I can get some pics of the girls playing in their games.

I was wrong... NOW I'm coming out of the fog!

So, I was wrong. My last post stated I was coming out of the fog. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. It's been another week and NOW I'm finally getting over the hellish crud I've had. What a misery the past two weeks have been. I'm about 80% better... if only the cough and headache would go away I'd be much happier!

Meanwhile life goes on and I never got a day to spend in bed. I caught naps in the afternoon here and there, those were soooo sweet. I love a nap in the daytime. There is something so satisfying about the sleep that occurs during those naps.

Softball season is upon us here at my house. Practices have been underway for about 3-4 weeks and opening day was yesterday. Spent the bulk of my day at the ballpark. Beautiful day and 2 games won. I am keeping the scorebook for both teams, so unfortunately I didn't get any pictures! Darn. I'm going to have to figure out how to get some picture taking time in. Between regular team practices, pitching practice and games anywhere from 2-4 nights per week, the next couple months are going to be busy busy busy. C. is loving getting the opportunity to pitch, and her pitching coach is such a sweet girl. Today she learned how to do a change up. I'm fairly impressed with how well she's doing after only 1 month..... she is only 10 years old, but lest I forget her birthday is in 12 days- as she delightfully reminded me today.

So my baby is going to be 11 years old. That seriously depresses me. She is growing up way to fast for my liking. Since I have a taste of what's to come, via middle school and high school- I am in no hurry for her to grow up. This is going to be a bittersweet birthday this year.

Meanwhile my oldest, B. is such a puzzle. She is difficult, un-communicative, moody, unpleasant, rude and generally such a PITB to live with. I wonder so frequently if life with her would be different if we'd known when she was 10- that she was bipolar. I would think after the past 3-4 years of dealing with her depression and mood swings that we'd be on more stable ground, especially her, having learned her triggers and what to do or not do... something, anything? Yet, maybe at 17 years old, it's asking to much that she take some responsibility for her life? Noticing she is spiraling, trying to do something about it, or at least communicate about it? It just doesn't happen and it's so damned frustrating. The sense of despair I feel at times concerning her is all-consuming. I want so much for her, yet I wonder (worry) if she'll ever be mature enough to deal with her illness, and be able to live a fulfilling responsible life on her own.

Enough worrying and critical thinking for now.....

Slowly coming out of the Fog

Finally turned the corner with the virus from hell. I can't remember when I've been so sick. It's been a miserable week. Needed to be in bed, and never got to do that. I've caught some naps here and there but it was impossible to actually stay in bed like I really could have/should have, for at least a couple of the worst days. Despite being sicker than sick, softball practice, school, band, girl scouts, pitching practice, etc etc - all goes on which meant no rest pour moi. Tomorrow I have to be up early again- but the afternoon will be mine to sleep or at least veg, I hope. If only I could get rid of this hellish headache, pressure and pain. Calgon, take me away. Oh yeah- I guess I lack the spa tub for that. Drat!

Being Sick Sucks

Ugh, I am so sick. Slammed out of the blue with some horrid nasty respiratory crap. Every muscle in my body hurts, especially my neck and back. I sounds like I'm dying when I cough and feel like it too. Can't remember the last time I was in such misery. Can't sleep, cough-cough-cough- head is going to explode and my chest feels like it's on fire. Where's the mommy to mommy me?
This sucks..........I need some good drugs.

Friday Again Already?

So it's Friday again already. Life is just flying these days. I'm exhausted as usual when friday rolls around.
After several misserable days, M.'s new antibiotic kicked in and and she is FINALLY about 95% well. Return visit to the doc yesterday- one week after the moster rash from the cipro. Ceftin did the trick. The rash is gone now, just some residual scabbbing left. Nose bleeds are the remaining prob- so she has yet another prescription to help reduce the remaining inflamation.
So we're moving right from basketball season into softball. Last games are this week for basketball and softball is underway now with practices having started this week. I think I've been out everynight this week for a meeting, game or practice. I love love love softball season though. Softball rocks!
B. is doing well with her studies; she's about done with US History & Health. All that will be left for the year is English and some random elective of her choice. I'm still hoping that she will be finished with HS next year by January. She is doing much better now that she is out of the traditional school setting. The past few weeks she has been very edgy and irritable, and that is always hard for me to deal with because she is so unpleasant to me and non-communicative. For the most part though, I try hard to remind myself that she has come SO far in one year-- we were deep in the pits of hell last year at this time. It's a struggle within myself to not become mired down with depression. Sometimes it's just a day by day deal. Some days I really beat myself up for not knowing years ago that there was something really amiss with her; that she was not just passing through some phase and would be better soon. If I had a dollar for every teacher, adult, doctor who told me that. I'll never forget the 2nd grade teacher who told me she was ADD, but didn't think we should medicate. Then there was the infamous raging episode in the Teepee in 3rd grade- which when I look back on it now, was a HUGE tip off that she was having some sort of manic episode. The really odd thing about that is that the teacher didn't even tell me about it until parent conferences some months later...it boggles me that I didn't get a call about it. Anyway, I know it doesn't do me any good to re-live this stuff but I feel like I've some incredibly failed her for not knowing and/or being more pushy to get answers. I wonder how different her life could be now- had we gotten help for her when she was very young- versus it coming to a life threating crisis as a teen. Well I guess that's enough pity party for today. I just need to get it out sometimes.
It's going to be a busy weekend! Looking forward to Sunday afternoon when I will hopefully have some "me" time to relax.
One last thing: what is UP with American Idol? We love that show and I can't believe that Sunjay(?) and Antonella were NOT voted off! Erg!

My Poor Kiddo

My daughter has broken out in a rash over the majority of her body. The poor kid. She has been on and off ill since before Christmas! This is getting ridiculous. She was on her 4th round of antibiotics, due to one of the worst all time sinus infections- as a result of the flu and viral crap + allergies that just won't go away. Cipro, and now I know she is allergic to it. For round 5, she is taking Ceftin. Not sure it's going any better- the rash doesn't seem to be getting better and the itching is intensifying, as of last night anyway. She's home again today from school- 2nd day this week. I swear the girl doesn't go more than one week before she misses school a day or two the following week. Good thing she is a smart girl and can make up the work without a huge ordeal. Let's hope I didn't jinx it, by saying that......

American Idol, ho humm

American Idol Round 1 tonight. Completely underwhelmed by most all the guys. The beatboxer kid from Seattle was probably the best. I liked a few of the other guys, but overall- there wasn't any one performance I was wow-ed by. Both the girls actually asked to go to bed before it was over! (Unheard of...) I was so not moved by any of them, that I didn't bother to place any votes. We are huge idol fans here, so the night was heavily anticipated and quite a letdown. One other gripe: please spare me the 2 hour show with 12 singers. PUH-LEEZ! Seriously. Thank goodness for the DVR. There's no way I could have sat through it all in real-time. Case in point: first 20 mins of the show; 1 singer had performed. ARGH. We cut off 45 mins easily bypassing the commercials. Hope the girls are better tomorrow night.

Yawn. Tired tonight. Back to School and back to early mornings today. 4 days flew by, of course. It's never long enough. I found myself wondering aloud several days ago if I would ever be one of the older folks that naturally wake up at 5am or 6am. One of the old folks I see out walking dogs at the crack of dawn as I drive my daughter to school at 7am, bleary eyed and half asleep.
Somehow I can't see it- but they do say as we age, we need less sleep. My oldest daughter actually laughed out loud at the notion. She's probably right; I'm more apt to stay up all night and then sleep til noon. We'll see I guess. Random musings.

1st day of Presidents Break

1st day of Presidents Break. First chance i've had to sit down and it's 4:15 pm. So much for a relaxing day! It hasn't been bad, just busy. Of course, I had to wake up- just to be sure B. was up. She doesn't have today off. Once she was up it was coffee time. Then I got a call from her friend who goes to class with her-- actually it was her mom, who said she was not going to class today because of mouth pain from having her wisdom teeth out. When I told B. she immediately freaked and started crying and refusing to go as well. Long story short, they both ending up going to class. After that drama was handled I had to hurry and get ready so I could pick them up on time.

Got home late morning looking forward to a little down time. M. wasn't even awake yet so I got her up. Made Cierra sit down and work on her state report. B. then let me know she didn't have the worksheets for this weeks assignments, so we had to go to school and catch her independent teacher, otherwise she would not be able to do any of her school work for the next several days. Meanwhile I got a call from a friend asking for computer help so after I drove B. to get her worksheets and took her home, then I went to see if I could help my friend.

I almost forgot about a 3pm follow up doctor appt for M. Luckily she did not, so I got home in time to get her and B. Took B. to work and then onward to the doctor. Just as I already knew- her sinuses are still infected. She is now going to try round 4 of a completely different antibiotic and if that doesn't do the trick we'll be going to an ENT. What a PITB. Poor kid. The doc just had to talk about surgery and hearing the bone "crunch" so of course she is saying "No Way!" Hopefully it won't come to that. He also said something about long term prednisone. Uhmmm, No. I'm not going to subject her to that.

So tonight is a valentine's dance. My daughter is trying to figure out what to wear. I'm so "not with it" however, to suggest one of her dresses. Apparently no one dresses up (duh) I wonder what she'll come up with.

I'm going to go relax for a bit before I have to start running around again. I still have to pick up B. from work later, go get M.'s prescription and take her to the dance. Tomorrow should be much more relaxing!

4 day break, yippee

So the 7th grade girls basketball team made the play-offs. However, they lost- so they're done.
That's ok though- it was a great season. It was pretty exciting to make it to the playoffs for the league. The 8th grade girls won their playoff game and advance to the championship game. Looks like we'll be skipping it though, as there is a Valentines Dance tomorrow night that my daughter would rather attend. Gee, I wonder why? grin
I hope she has a dress that fits.... I do not want to go shopping tomorrow.

Speaking of M. Tomorrow is her 10 day appt back with her doc. I'm curious to see what he'll say because 10 days later and on her 3rd antibiotic, she is still coughing and still can't breathe well. Her symptoms are only marginally better. This has become very frustrating. She doesn't seem to be responding to the meds. I hope he's not going to ask us to get a catscan of her sinuses- but I guess I won't try to second guess it at this point.

Looking forward to the 4 day break. No basketball this weekend. Friday and Monday off school.
The biggest chore is going to be getting C. to work on her state report over the break. She does not like schoolwork and will try any means she can conjure to get out of it. I'm looking forward to maybe being able to take a nap in the afternoon. It's a sad life, I tell ya- when I look forward to a nap.
Oh scratch that- B. has to work tomorrow afternoon. So maybe I can nap Saturday instead. I'm pathetic.

Nothing more on my mind tonight, except bed. I feel exceptionally tired so I'm going to retire early. After I go turn all the lights off and prep my coffee for tomorrow morning. Must have coffee ready to consume after my sleepwalk to the kitchen in the a.m. It's a known fact that I will die without coffee.

Out of control Hair

I really need a haircut. I don't know what to do with it. I haven't done anything to my hair in about a year. I realized that today. A Year! That's really lame. I need highlights too. It's just so time consuming. Where do I find the nearly 3 hours it takes to cut, color & style? I've been really lazy but it's gotten out of control. I really should make the call.... I always feel great after I get my hair done. Someone kick me in the butt please. Well ok, not really.

Tuesday Morning Blah

Last nights happiness was short lived. This morning I got back my angry hostile won't get out of bed without a WWIII battle child. Damn I hate this crap. Sigh.

Monday, Monday, So good to me....

Well, it's Monday. Over almost. Last regular season basketball game was today. The girls won 34-3. M had lots of playing time and scored several times- once a sweet shot from the outside corner- it was a lovely shot! Girls were in high spirits. I'm relieved that the season is coming to an end. Now they await playoff decisions.

Tonight was a GREAT night. B was enjoyable to be around. I don't think there was even ONE sour look, tone or comment. We had some laugh out loud moments being silly! Times like this are so rare. I wish they were more often, but I surely cherish and hold onto them.It does a soul good. I think the new class she is taking- and the new routine of having to get up and get going daily, is actually doing her good. The getting out of bed part is still brutal (on me) but she seems to be better these past few weeks. So what's different? She had a birthday. She's taking a new class. She's working on a different subject with her independent study and she continues to work part-time; 16 hours this past week. It could be any combination of these factors. Oh, she's taking Omega 3 fish oil now too. I'm not sure if that could have an impact so immediately or not? It's not proven yet, but there is a school of thought that the Omega 3 supplements help with mood disorders. I wish there was some way for her to get more sleep- that is the one overriding symptom that never seems to go away. I've in fact decided to decrease her seroquel and see what, if anything happens. I was doing some reading today that stated that there is no therapeutic benefit from any dosage over 800mg. That is B's dosage and it amazes me that she doesn't sleep like a baby on it. The whole med puzzle is just that- a puzzle. The more I read about BP, the less clear it all seems to be. I don't understand WHY it's such an unknown.

I saw a really depressing Cold Case the other night. The show focused on a mother who was manic depressive in the 1950's and had been found dead in the snow. Turns out she was hospitalized for her manic depression because there was "no cure." However, she opted for a lobotomy because the doctors of the time believed it to be the only treatment that would offer some mood stability. Uhhhh yeah! Lets cut out part of your brain! What the hell? Seriously? I felt physically ill, while watching this and thinking about it. I'm so thankful that my daughter is alive now, and not 50 years ago. Of course in 50 years future- they may think what we are doing now is barbaric perhaps- but I hope not. So much is still unknown. I have to hope the choices I've made for her are the right ones. Soon enough she'll be in charge of her own health and wellness.

My brain is fuzzing over so it must be time to turn off the 'puter. I think I'll go read some of my current Barbara Delinsky book. Pure escapism. Just what the doctor ordered.

Sunday

Sunday. Relaxing. To me, Sunday's are like apple pie and baseball. Meant to relax. It goes together. Thank goodness for Sundays- when I usually can catch some recharging time.

I've not been in a blogging frame of mind these past several weeks. Life has been really chaotic, and way to busy. Throw in chronic sickness with one kid and bipolar crap with another one and it's been all I could do to muster the energy to stay on track from morning to night.

Things are good currently. Life is semi-stable this past week. BP girl seems more stable. Not as depressed outwardly and less anger/hostility. It's hard being on eggshells around her all the time. It's even harder feeling like nothing you do or say, helps. The powerlessness of it, can be overwhelming and all consuming at times. Like another friend who I know is struggling with similar feelings- I have not figured out the best "cognitive" way to handle life with her and remain positive and upbeat. Its the art of turning lemons into lemonade. I'm working on it, very hard. It's not something that comes naturally to me. I wish I could get her to read some blogs and/or books by others who struggle with living with BP. I read stuff like this all the time and find lots of stuff that supports who she is. If only she could see it, know there is path for her, even if that path has many pitfalls along the way. It gives me hope and I'd like to think it would give her hope too.

Basketball season is winding up. The last middle school game is tomorrow. I remembered to take my digital camera a week or two ago- I'll have to see if I can upload those pictures and post a few here. I'm so proud of my middle baby. She's in the throes of middle school and remains a good kid. Nice. She hasn't morphed into an unrecognizable alien, like some kids do. She got straight A's on her semester report card. She is athletic and has good friends. She hasn't gotten sucked into that snotty girl mentality that strikes so many of the 11-14 crowd.

Yesterday was the CCS middle school honor band/orchestra concert. CCS covers 4 local counties. ( A fact I did not know until yesterday.) All the kids must audition for a seat. This is M.'s 2nd year making a seat. She plays clarinet, although her interest is waning. I wish I could keep it alive, music is so important. For now, I simply enjoyed the concert- for I see a day in the not to far future when it probably will not be a part of her life, nor ours anymore. She plays so beautifully- I hate to see her give it up.

My mom is finally out of the hospital. Her 2nd back surgery in a year. A 3 day stay turned into a week. She was SO drugged and out of it. I'm glad she is home, because being 1000 miles away sucks. I can't go be there and again, it's that feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. It sucks!
I was pretty stressed over the whole situation. Today is the first day I talked to her and I know she actually understood who I was. Now, onward to face recovery and physical therapy. She sounded pretty upbeat, which is a great sign. I hope she can maintain that spirit.

The rain finally stopped and it's a nice day out. I don't mind the rain when I'm chilling' though. It's relaxing and somehow I don't feel so guilty for sitting around doing "nothing" when it's pouring out. Regardless- I'm not going to worry about it. Not today.

Basketball Overload and Asst. Ramblings

It was a weekend of basketball. Both C. and M. had games Saturday. They both lost, unfortunately. C,'s game was local; M.'s game was a road trip. Arrived at the locale- 30 mins away, to find they were an hour behind schedule. Oh well, what can you do? The opposing team was tough! M. was pissed- I could tell. She kept getting elbowed and slapped yet they didn't get called on any of their fouls. It was good experience to complement her middle school team. I never thought I'd see the day when she'd be getting sick of basketball, but she has been living and breathing basketball the past 2 months. Only 4 more middle school games, then Rec is once per week. That'll be a nice break. More practice Sunday at the last min. Another game today after school. I need to try and remember to take my camera.

I'm still struggling with my emotional state of mind. I've been having a really tough time lately coping with all the stress. I'm not sure why I'm not dealing as well as I usually do. I'm feeling like a shitty mom. I'm especially feeling unappreciated but I don't know why it's bugging me so much. Normally I can blow stuff off and I totally know it's normal... both the way I'm feeling and the way the kids are behaving. It's just normally it's only B. that I mainly have to contend with, and lately it's been all 3 presenting me with challenge after challenge. I need to find some new coping techniques, but I'm really not sure how to go about doing that. I don't know anyone IRL who has the same kind of issues, who I could confide in and who could relate to me.

No update on the roof. No one can come until later this week. I hope it doesn't rain before then.

I'm really tired. I need more coffee. Kids are off to school and I don't want to face trying to get B. up.
Avoidance.... I know. But it's so emotionally negative and I know I'm not rebounding well right now. I think I'll go get some more coffee and try to muster up the fortitude I need.

Last night my roof decided to spring a leak. Joy. 3 buckets in my living room. I hope this isn't going to be a big ordeal to get fixed. I don't like having strange people at my house or in my house. Strange as in unknown. I'm a bit paranoid I believe, but it makes me VERY uncomfortable. Fingers crossed for an easy fix.

My girls have been waiting with baited breath for American Idol. What a yawn fest the opening night was. Thank god for the DVR! I would have been wanting to slap something if I had to sit through those 2 hours of torture in real time. Every 1-2 "performances" and a commercial.! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! What is with those people? You'd think by the time they'd go to AI for an audition, they'd have some experience? Actual feedback that they are amazing singers? Maybe I'm just getting old and grouchy, but I found it more annoying than funny or entertaining. Of course there is no escaping the show here in my house.

M.'s alarm did not go off this morning for some unknown reason. Maybe we lost power during the night. Regardless, she is missing 1st period and I guess it's a blessing in disguise since I hear there is ice on the road. By the time we go out at 8am, any ice should be gonzo. It doesn't last long around here.

Yesterday was a day from hell. I hope today is better. Time for more coffee.......

Monthly Torture

Ugh Cramps....... brutal monthly torture. My cramps make me want to curl up in a ball and die for about 2 days. That plus the requisite stabing back pain and throbbing headache. Ironic, isn't it, that it's Sunday- a day of rest? (God, Adam & Eve, Sunday a day of rest... THAT irony) Thankfully there is nothing so important on today's agenda, that can't wait. It's still way to cold in my house. Three cheers for fleece blankets. That and a DVR full of Psych episodes to watch. Mindless entertainment. Sound perfect. I'm going to go curl up now and try block out my misery.