Monday, January 1, 2007

Feeling Resentful

I just talked to my mom on the phone. I didn't get to talk to her on Christmas. She always seems to call when I'm not home.... and on Christmas it always seems to be either at the end of the day when everyone is pooped or when we are not here. Damn I hate these selfish feelings I'm having. But I don't understand why she doesn't or won't call earlier in the day. Doesn't she want to talk to me and the kids when the excitement of the day is fresh? I hate that it bothers me, feeling like I am always last on her list. I hate that she is always taking care of other people and putting them first. Not before me, but before herself. For years it's either been my sister, her kids, or one of her own siblings. She is always there for them, taking care of them in bad health. Letting her sisters kids and their families stay with her when they come to town. It doesn't ever matter if she is sick or would rather not. She has the room, so what? it's an automatic-- "we'll stay with Aunt Maureen." or "grandam Maureen." Yet no one is there to help her when her health is poor. Who comes to help her mow her lawn in the summer when it's calf high? Or assorted other tasks that have become hard for her to do alone? It burns me up to see her allowing herself to always be there for everyone, yet it seems to be a one way street. And everytime I actually do get to talk to her... she has to "go" long before I'm ready to say goodbye. Damn it, I feel like a sulky 10 year old. I'm pissed, and I'm pissed that I'm pissed. What the hell is wrong with me?

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