Basketball Overload and Asst. Ramblings

It was a weekend of basketball. Both C. and M. had games Saturday. They both lost, unfortunately. C,'s game was local; M.'s game was a road trip. Arrived at the locale- 30 mins away, to find they were an hour behind schedule. Oh well, what can you do? The opposing team was tough! M. was pissed- I could tell. She kept getting elbowed and slapped yet they didn't get called on any of their fouls. It was good experience to complement her middle school team. I never thought I'd see the day when she'd be getting sick of basketball, but she has been living and breathing basketball the past 2 months. Only 4 more middle school games, then Rec is once per week. That'll be a nice break. More practice Sunday at the last min. Another game today after school. I need to try and remember to take my camera.

I'm still struggling with my emotional state of mind. I've been having a really tough time lately coping with all the stress. I'm not sure why I'm not dealing as well as I usually do. I'm feeling like a shitty mom. I'm especially feeling unappreciated but I don't know why it's bugging me so much. Normally I can blow stuff off and I totally know it's normal... both the way I'm feeling and the way the kids are behaving. It's just normally it's only B. that I mainly have to contend with, and lately it's been all 3 presenting me with challenge after challenge. I need to find some new coping techniques, but I'm really not sure how to go about doing that. I don't know anyone IRL who has the same kind of issues, who I could confide in and who could relate to me.

No update on the roof. No one can come until later this week. I hope it doesn't rain before then.

I'm really tired. I need more coffee. Kids are off to school and I don't want to face trying to get B. up.
Avoidance.... I know. But it's so emotionally negative and I know I'm not rebounding well right now. I think I'll go get some more coffee and try to muster up the fortitude I need.

Last night my roof decided to spring a leak. Joy. 3 buckets in my living room. I hope this isn't going to be a big ordeal to get fixed. I don't like having strange people at my house or in my house. Strange as in unknown. I'm a bit paranoid I believe, but it makes me VERY uncomfortable. Fingers crossed for an easy fix.

My girls have been waiting with baited breath for American Idol. What a yawn fest the opening night was. Thank god for the DVR! I would have been wanting to slap something if I had to sit through those 2 hours of torture in real time. Every 1-2 "performances" and a commercial.! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! What is with those people? You'd think by the time they'd go to AI for an audition, they'd have some experience? Actual feedback that they are amazing singers? Maybe I'm just getting old and grouchy, but I found it more annoying than funny or entertaining. Of course there is no escaping the show here in my house.

M.'s alarm did not go off this morning for some unknown reason. Maybe we lost power during the night. Regardless, she is missing 1st period and I guess it's a blessing in disguise since I hear there is ice on the road. By the time we go out at 8am, any ice should be gonzo. It doesn't last long around here.

Yesterday was a day from hell. I hope today is better. Time for more coffee.......

Monthly Torture

Ugh Cramps....... brutal monthly torture. My cramps make me want to curl up in a ball and die for about 2 days. That plus the requisite stabing back pain and throbbing headache. Ironic, isn't it, that it's Sunday- a day of rest? (God, Adam & Eve, Sunday a day of rest... THAT irony) Thankfully there is nothing so important on today's agenda, that can't wait. It's still way to cold in my house. Three cheers for fleece blankets. That and a DVR full of Psych episodes to watch. Mindless entertainment. Sound perfect. I'm going to go curl up now and try block out my misery.

So Friggin Cold!

I'm getting mighty tired of being cold. It has been downright frigid. Days on end of cooooooold weather. Tonight at 6ish I was on my way home and it was 36 degrees. This morning when I got up it was 46 in my house. IN the house! at 10:30am no less! I am dreading my PG&E bill.... since I routinely pay almost $500/mo, I know it's going to be way more. I'm going to cry or go into shock most likely. Normally we try not to run the heat, but about 2 months ago we had to start running it. I would set it to 60 in the morning when I got up and let it run for a couple hours, then again in the evening for a couple hours. But this last month I've had to run it almost consistently... maybe I can turn it off in the afternoon for awhile. I've had to bump it up to 63-64 and we're still cold in the main part of the house. It gives me serious anxiety thinking about it. I wish it would warm up! Or I wish I had some firewood so I could light the fireplace.

I don't have much else to say tonight. It's been a long cold week and I've been fighting feeling depressed. I feel like I'm in a real pit right now, and it would be real easy to just slip in and stay in bed around the clock. Moms aren't allowed to do that though. It's been more of a struggle than usual lately though to make myself go through the motions of a regular day. I need to go to the doctor and insurance won't cover it. My legs hurt all the time now. I don't know what's wrong.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

It is soooooo cold and windy tonight. All my hard work on the yard last weekend, is being blown away. Wind, Wind, and more Wind expected along with rain and below freezing temps. Ran to the library tonight to get a book M. wanted and thought I was going to turn into an icicle on the 1.5 min walk from the car. Course it would have helped if I had a coat, but being a cali girl- I don't own a heavy jacket.
So the garbage men took my 8 extra bags of yard waste. Not sure what I'm supposed to do next week, when I can only put up the one can of yard waste. Not that I'll necessarily be doing any yardwork this weekend... as I'm being tormented with PMS symptoms which is always bad news. Out of commission for a few days is what I've come to expect. I have a feeling it's going to be particularly bad this month because I have had some serious cramps the past 2 days.

I don't have to much to else to say tonight. It's been a rather uneventful week so far. Coming to the end stretch of Geometry, thank, god. Was really stuck on some problems earlier this afternoon, but I came back to them and puzzled them out. Darned proud of it, if I do say so.
I was hoping to be done with everything by Friday, but I don't think that's going to happen.
B. has been working the past couple days, and although we have done math daily- it's been slow as the concepts in this last chapter are more challenging. I sucked in math when I was in HS- so I am pretty impressed that I've learned a whole year of Geometry in one quarter, right along with B.
Other than the math, it's been a pretty normal week... back to getting up at the crack of dawn. I've noticed that it's not quite light yet when I take M. to school at 7am now. That's different. It's seems that sunrise is a bit later. Back to the homework and running around after school going from activity A to B.
I've been thinking about where I want my life to go. Lately I feel rather empty. I'm not sure what to do to fill the void. I'm not sure I remember how it feels to be truely happy.
Not going to think to hard on it tonight..... I need some advil and some sleep. Plus some extra blankets.......

Aches and Pains

Ugh, my body aches. My knees hurt. My back hurts. My legs ache. I'm in such sad shape. Spent many hours of my weekend working on cleaning up my disaster of a yard. Amazing amounts of debris. Pine needles inches thick, branches and pine cones everywhere, not to mention the weeds. Did the front without to much ordeal, but it helps that I do blow the front regularly. The side and back yards, that's another deal. We don't really use the yard much. It's narrow and not landscaped. Mostly shaded and lots of tree cover-- so the kids don't even play ball outside, like they did at the other house. It doesn't help that there is a monster house behind us so any sense of privacy is nil when outside. The yard has been sorely neglected and I paid the price today. This week is the quarterly "clean up" week where you can put out 7 extra garbage bags. I hate throwing yard waste away, but once our big yard waste recycle can is full- what else can I do with it? So 8 bags later, plus the big wheeled bin, it's all up on the street now. If only the yard were done. I dread doing the rest! It might be 50% done, maybe less. I had such plans when we moved in here. Throw down grass seed, plants some flowers, etc. It's been easier to ignore it, I'm sad to say. I am not a gardener, nor a green thumb. In fact it's an accurate statement to say I abhor gardening. I seriously hate it! Sigh. I know I'm going to be sore in the morning. A morning that is going to be here all too soon.... since tomorrow it's back to the grind. Kids go back to school finally and that means it's back to the 6:15 alarm for me. Bleh!

Yay for the small things

I'm really tired this morning. Especially bad night sleeping. Was awake until at least 3:30am. C. is going to a girl scout cookie rally event this morning. So I'm up- pouring the java into my bloodstream. SF 49er cheerleaders will be making an appearance. Pretty wild! Who would have thought they do girl scout events? Here's hoping for a mellow day. At least I didn't have to get up at 7am today to get B. up for her job. First weekend in a month I've been able to sleep past 7. Yay for the small things!

Weary

I love the way a certain teen twists the truth to suit her distorted view of certain events.
She could never ever possibly own any responsibility for what goes on. Omitting 90% of the details is akin to lying. Such never ending BS is becoming increasingly more difficult to live with day after day.

Contemplative

This is true. To bad there are no real seasons where I live. I miss the beautiful colors and quiet serenity of New England Autumn.

You Belong in Fall

Intelligent, introspective, and quite expressive at times... You appreciate the changes in color, climate, and mood that fall brings Whether you're carving wacky pumpkins or taking long drives, autumn is a favorite time of year for you

What Season Are You?

Disbelief

Unreal scene tonight. Sitting watching the original pilot of "Monk" when my phone rings and it's my dh telling me B. is at his house. Huh? We live about 3 miles apart through the forest, and she apparently took off on foot after a fight that we had. Not really a fight persay- more me confronting her over her attitude and she turned into a bratty snot. Then thinks that I locked her in the garage. I did slam the door between the kitchen and the garage and it was apparently locked, but helloooooo..... I guess she's never heard of banging on the door to let anyone know? No, instead she assumes the worst of me, and then bolts through the dead of night. Anything could have happened to her between here and there, and I wouldn't have even known until tomorrow morning. Unfriggin real. Home now, only because I went and got her as she must have her meds. Scared the living daylights out of me. I can't believe all this drama over such a minor scene really. We've had much bigger blowouts over the years...but that was mostly before I knew she is BP. I walk around on eggshells daily not knowing if it's ok to talk to her or how she is going to react. The girl has GOT to learn to deal with conflict. Seriously! People fight, it's part of life.
I am in such disbelief over this. I locked her outside door and pray she'll still be here in the morning. At times like this I seriously wonder how much more heartache I can really deal with.

Hello Tuesday

I'm better this morning. Things are back in perspective after my pity party last night. B. is up on her own at 10am like we discussed, which makes me very happy. I slept like crap; as did C., who was still awake at 2am. I hope her sleep problems don't turn out to be some precursor for depression or another disorder. I have a really hard time understanding why a 10 year old girl has such trouble sleeping. I know only 1 piece of the puzzle: we are on vacation and staying up to late. This always seems to spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E for her and her quality of sleep. My job is to get everyone semi-back on track this week, so next week isn't hell on wheels when they go back to school. The days are blurring together for me. No mail today, due to President Ford's "Day of Mourning." I really need to mail my parking ticket off. Can't believe I got a ticket. It's been at least 15 years since I've gotten one, probably even longer. Well... Time to go wake everyone up and get some more COFFEE. What would I do without it?

edit: C. told me she was awake until 4am. How can a 10 y.o. physiologically do that? Tonight it's bedtime no later than 9:30.

Feeling Resentful

I just talked to my mom on the phone. I didn't get to talk to her on Christmas. She always seems to call when I'm not home.... and on Christmas it always seems to be either at the end of the day when everyone is pooped or when we are not here. Damn I hate these selfish feelings I'm having. But I don't understand why she doesn't or won't call earlier in the day. Doesn't she want to talk to me and the kids when the excitement of the day is fresh? I hate that it bothers me, feeling like I am always last on her list. I hate that she is always taking care of other people and putting them first. Not before me, but before herself. For years it's either been my sister, her kids, or one of her own siblings. She is always there for them, taking care of them in bad health. Letting her sisters kids and their families stay with her when they come to town. It doesn't ever matter if she is sick or would rather not. She has the room, so what? it's an automatic-- "we'll stay with Aunt Maureen." or "grandam Maureen." Yet no one is there to help her when her health is poor. Who comes to help her mow her lawn in the summer when it's calf high? Or assorted other tasks that have become hard for her to do alone? It burns me up to see her allowing herself to always be there for everyone, yet it seems to be a one way street. And everytime I actually do get to talk to her... she has to "go" long before I'm ready to say goodbye. Damn it, I feel like a sulky 10 year old. I'm pissed, and I'm pissed that I'm pissed. What the hell is wrong with me?

Amazing

The amazing has happened. My daughter got up on her own this morning. No pushing, shaking, poking, or repeatedly calling her name. No pulling her out of bed. No proping her up 99% asleep. No using the intercom on the phone for 30+ mins, over and over.
Unless you have a child you can't get up day after day, month after month, year after year- this may not seem amazing. To me, it is nothing short of a near miracle. I can't remember the last time she got up on her own without it taking an act of god. Mornings are a battle ground around here, and the level goes up the earlier it is. The sweet sound of the shower running when my alarm went off was like harps from heaven. I hope the memory will stay with me for at least a week! Took her to work at 9 and came home to a quiet sleeping house still. Sweet.

I was otherwise a slug most of the day. Enjoyed Law & Order SVU most of the day. It felt good to do nothing and just chill.

Here's hoping 2007 is a better year than 2006. I especially hope and pray for the debacle in Iraq to end and for the health of all my family and friends. Happy New Year!