Play-Off Bound

Last softball game of the regular season tonight. The ump was 45 min late. It was freezing out. The game was tied 2-2, and they lost 3-2. Bummer. But the silver lining is despite the loss, they ARE going to play-offs this weekend! We thought they were out, if they lost tonight. So the girls pepped right back up, just as one would expect of a bunch of giggly 5th grade girls. Went to Pizza for their end of the season celebration- fun was had by all. Got home at 9:30, which is pretty dang late for us on a school night! I'm super exhausted.

So both my girls teams are going to playoff-s this weekend. Should be loads of fun- provided I don't have conflicts with games, but of course I know that will happen.

I think M. will also be chosen for All-Stars, but the "official" call will be coming Sunday night... so I'm told.. but I "don't " know anything about it! It's all so cryptic whatever. just tell us so we can make plans for summer.

Summer! Man that's a weird thought! It's almost upon us....... School is out next Friday! WOW!

Just me and my buddy

Saturday. Memorial Day Weekend. Today it's just me and my buddy, C. The two older ones are gone for the day-- one at work, the other at a birthday party at Raging Waters. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend, but it's drippy and cold here so far. No big plans of any kind for the weekend. C. and I are going to do something today... not sure what yet. Still in coffee mode here, despite being up early to start up the Mom Taxi. If it doesn't get sunny maybe we'll hit the movies. Can't actually remember the last movie I saw at the movie theatre.

Cierra made the All-Star Softball team. So softball continues for awhile. Whoot!

Sickness and Assorted BS

So C. came home from camp a week ago with some cold symptoms. It's finally kicked in big- and she's been home 2 days from school sick. I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd start feeling it too. I guess today is my lucky day... woke up with that slight itch in the back of my throat along with a swollen feeling. Joy.

M. came home yesterday complaining about having horrible cramps. Proceeded to be in a less than pleasant attitude for the remainder of the day. What a cruel twist of nature- that a 12 year old has to endure the bodily torture of assorted menstrual pains. It's bad enough as an adult, I think it royally sucks that my 12 year old has to endure this now too. Advil and a heating pad didn't really help her.

Took B. to her regular appt with her psychiatrist yesterday. No med changes but a complete blood work up ordered. She is doing "ok" but never really seems "good" to me. She writes constantly on her blog about how unhappy she is, how much she hates life, etc etc. She wrote recently about purging in the shower and how she cried and shook afterward. I can't let her know I know- obviously, or she'll close her site down. I feel helpless to help her- and I can't even alert her doctor, as he's "her" doc and I don't have an opportunity to talk to him privately. It's an awful feeling, like being an observer on the sidelines- unable to intervene. An interesting aside- on the paperwork for the blood draw he wrote "bipolar depressive disorder" as the diagnosis. He refers to bipolar with her frequently, I know he believes her to be bipolar (as do I ) but he doesn't give her an official diagnosis of BP- because of the problems this may cause for her in her adult life... getting insurance, medical privacy, etc. Our insurance pays nothing for any of her visits and little for her meds- and we are slowly being bankrupt with all the bills. The ironic things is that if she were given an official diagnosis of BP, then we could get some reimbursement. They will pay for "serious" psychological disorders: BP, schizophrenia, and something else which I don't recall. What a catch-22! Push for the diagnosis so we can get some reimbursement? or hold out in order to hopefully not adversely effect or limit her future. Obviously I haven't pushed to have her labeled officially, but it simply SUCKS! The stress over the money is contributing to physical issues of my own.

Ho Hum

Hmmm.... feeling kind of out of sorts, and I'm not sure why. Haven't been posting as I don't really have anything to say. Kind of feeling blue and at lose ends.

Softball is wrapping up. C.'s team lost last Sat., which was a crushing blow to her. Her team made a ton of errors in the field though. Last night both girls had games and both won. M.'s team is undefeated for the season. They won it 15-0. Last game for the regular season is Thursday. C's team still has 2 games, 1 tonight and last one next week.

School is out 2 weeks from Friday, and I can't believe how fast the year flew by. Unreal.

Not much else to say. Hopefully I can shake this ho-hum feeling soon.

Softball game tonight , a smashing 16-5 victory. Lots of walks by the other team. C.'s shoulder hurts-- not sure what to do about that other than ice? First time all season it's bothered her. Hope it doesn't last since she has another game Sat morning at 9am.

Gas is up 4c since Sunday. 4 days = 4c increase. I took a picture but I'm to tired to go get my camera.

Not much else to say really. Have been out every night this week.... I'm more tired than usual and looking forward to R&R on Sunday. I've been DVRing the Giants games and they've been losing which sucks! But the pitchers have been awesome lately. To bad the team can't rally behind them. I'd love to go see the Giants and the Yankees.... but the game has been sold out for months! bummer.

How much higher will it go?

This is the cheapest gas around for about 10 miles. I snapped this pic on the way home from taking B. to work this morning. I don't even buy gas at this station- the lines are usually out into the road backing up traffic. The last station I went to fill up at, last week sometime was about 4c higher. Cost me $82 to fill my tank. OUCH! When will the madness end?

Kiwi, the amazing fat cat

I took this picture and sent it to Cierra at Science camp, because I knew she'd be missing our cat. Pretty funny pic- don't know how I managed to catch her with her tongue hanging out!

She is the most docile cat I've ever known. Loves to be pushed down on the floor and rolled around, smacked on her tummy- she just takes it all and purrs loudly.

Exhausted

Exhausted. That's what I am.... but in a good way. Was gone all day. 2 softball games, both away. Both games won. First game 12-1; Second game 19-7. It was a beautiful day, sunny but tooo windy.
Arrived home nearly 9 hours after I'd left, thoroughly wiped out. Amazing how the sun and wind can sap one's body of all energy. I wish I had pictures, but it's so hard taking them when I'm scorekeeping.
Left this morning before B. was awake. You think she'd call, at least once? Wondering where I am, or her sisters? It's unusual for us to be gone for hours on end. A few hours- ok, but all day?Nope, not my kiddo. Gone all day and no call, nor a thought. Arrived home tonight to find her grumpy as usual. Looking like she did nothing but sit on the couch and watch tv all day. Saw no signs of having done any school work or having studied for her driving test. The one thing I asked her to do was spend some time going over the info for the test so she can pass the dang thing! I'm seriously annoyed at her lack of motivation to get her licence. Gee, I've only had that honda sitting out in front of the house for..... nearly 6 months now? Awaiting her gloried presence...
Oh well! Just another one of the many mysteries that is my daughter. go figure. If someone had handed me a car when I was 16; I'd have been all over it faster than.... well I don't know what. but Fast. LOL

Exhaustion rules... must go sleep now.

Equilibrium Re-established

Cierra is home. Tired and happy. Happy to see me, Very happy! And I can't begin to describe how happy I was to see her. There is amazing restorative power with love. Several long hugs, and we are both grinning ear to ear. I love that kiddo so dang much. Extra bonus: my buddy to again watch baseball with. It's not nearly as fun watching alone. And the Giants actually pulled off a win tonight! Woowoo, Go Giants!

Update on B,:
after our blow up yesterday, she made a rare attempt to make amends with me. She didn't have a lot to say- but the effort to apologize is huge. Bipolar skews all the lines. Everything, including normal easy communication is amazingly hard. Things for you and I, just are not the same for someone who is bipolar.Anyway- she couldn't articulate what happened or why it happened, but for a rare change, she listened to me and I felt like headway was made and some resolution occurred. It's very very rare- and a gift I don't take lightly. I love this girl too... It's a much more complicated love- she knows how to break my heart like no other. But I love her fiercely.
I hope life for her will someday, not be so hard.

Out of Sorts

I've felt very discombobulated this week. That's such an odd word... Cierra has been away and I wasn't expecting to feel so out of sorts with her gone. In addition I have been feeling off, physically. For some reason my eyes are really bothering me and I've had some very strangely painful headaches. Today I had a huge blow up with B. Some of her issues are so difficult to deal with, and leave me so emotionally drained. Times like this I struggle with feeling extremely bereft. No one to share with, cry with, gain strenth and perspective from. It's very isolating and lonely.
I'm feeling really low. I'm glad my youngest sweetie will be home tomorrow. I need some hugs.

She's Off to Science Camp

My baby left this morning for a week of Science Camp. It was a rushed weekend after softball, to wash, organize, pack and buy last min items like sunscreen, rain poncho, insect repellent. Small drama over not wanting to take a sleeping bag... " it's to uncomfortable" ( I agree), which I solved by taking her comforter, fleece blanket, and pillow- rolling them all up together, securing with a bungee cord and putting into the carry bag for the sleeping bag. Worked like a charm. It's awfully quiet around here without my baseball partner, don't touch me because I'm so ticklish, snuggle girl. Hope you're having a blast and not feeling to weird trying to sleep away from home.

Here's one of the two busses taking the kids to camp

Cierra is in the grey sweatshirt in the middle of this pic.

Her friend Margaret is next to her on the right, short

blonde hair. Nichole is in the back, waving. The are about

to board the buses.

Yawn

Nothing like getting up at 6am on Saturday. M. is going with her middle school music dept to a competition/festival about 2 hours away. They had to be at the school by 6:30 and will be back around 10pm tonight. Hope they have fun. I don't enjoy getting up so early on the weekend. But I do have to admit, there is something extremely peaceful about seeing the sun come up, and being able to enjoy coffee, email, and a quiet quiet house before anyone else is up. it's not so bad once I can drag myself out of bed.

Heading out to softball games in another hour or so. Then the afternoon will be spent washing clothes and packing up C. for Science camp next week. She leaves Monday and it's going to be so quiet in our house without her here. She's never been away from home for longer than one night. My baby. I know I'm going to miss her terribly. She'll have a blast though!

Here's a picture of my baby several years ago. Awwwwww........!

Powem, by Brianna

I came across this poem written by my oldest daughter when she was about 8 or 10. Note the spelling of "poem." LOL. It perfectly represents who she is still, today, at 17. Seeing it again after all these years made me both laugh and feel sad. I hope someday my girl will be able to spread her wings and be free.