Sunday

Sunday. Relaxing. To me, Sunday's are like apple pie and baseball. Meant to relax. It goes together. Thank goodness for Sundays- when I usually can catch some recharging time.

I've not been in a blogging frame of mind these past several weeks. Life has been really chaotic, and way to busy. Throw in chronic sickness with one kid and bipolar crap with another one and it's been all I could do to muster the energy to stay on track from morning to night.

Things are good currently. Life is semi-stable this past week. BP girl seems more stable. Not as depressed outwardly and less anger/hostility. It's hard being on eggshells around her all the time. It's even harder feeling like nothing you do or say, helps. The powerlessness of it, can be overwhelming and all consuming at times. Like another friend who I know is struggling with similar feelings- I have not figured out the best "cognitive" way to handle life with her and remain positive and upbeat. Its the art of turning lemons into lemonade. I'm working on it, very hard. It's not something that comes naturally to me. I wish I could get her to read some blogs and/or books by others who struggle with living with BP. I read stuff like this all the time and find lots of stuff that supports who she is. If only she could see it, know there is path for her, even if that path has many pitfalls along the way. It gives me hope and I'd like to think it would give her hope too.

Basketball season is winding up. The last middle school game is tomorrow. I remembered to take my digital camera a week or two ago- I'll have to see if I can upload those pictures and post a few here. I'm so proud of my middle baby. She's in the throes of middle school and remains a good kid. Nice. She hasn't morphed into an unrecognizable alien, like some kids do. She got straight A's on her semester report card. She is athletic and has good friends. She hasn't gotten sucked into that snotty girl mentality that strikes so many of the 11-14 crowd.

Yesterday was the CCS middle school honor band/orchestra concert. CCS covers 4 local counties. ( A fact I did not know until yesterday.) All the kids must audition for a seat. This is M.'s 2nd year making a seat. She plays clarinet, although her interest is waning. I wish I could keep it alive, music is so important. For now, I simply enjoyed the concert- for I see a day in the not to far future when it probably will not be a part of her life, nor ours anymore. She plays so beautifully- I hate to see her give it up.

My mom is finally out of the hospital. Her 2nd back surgery in a year. A 3 day stay turned into a week. She was SO drugged and out of it. I'm glad she is home, because being 1000 miles away sucks. I can't go be there and again, it's that feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. It sucks!
I was pretty stressed over the whole situation. Today is the first day I talked to her and I know she actually understood who I was. Now, onward to face recovery and physical therapy. She sounded pretty upbeat, which is a great sign. I hope she can maintain that spirit.

The rain finally stopped and it's a nice day out. I don't mind the rain when I'm chilling' though. It's relaxing and somehow I don't feel so guilty for sitting around doing "nothing" when it's pouring out. Regardless- I'm not going to worry about it. Not today.

Basketball Overload and Asst. Ramblings

It was a weekend of basketball. Both C. and M. had games Saturday. They both lost, unfortunately. C,'s game was local; M.'s game was a road trip. Arrived at the locale- 30 mins away, to find they were an hour behind schedule. Oh well, what can you do? The opposing team was tough! M. was pissed- I could tell. She kept getting elbowed and slapped yet they didn't get called on any of their fouls. It was good experience to complement her middle school team. I never thought I'd see the day when she'd be getting sick of basketball, but she has been living and breathing basketball the past 2 months. Only 4 more middle school games, then Rec is once per week. That'll be a nice break. More practice Sunday at the last min. Another game today after school. I need to try and remember to take my camera.

I'm still struggling with my emotional state of mind. I've been having a really tough time lately coping with all the stress. I'm not sure why I'm not dealing as well as I usually do. I'm feeling like a shitty mom. I'm especially feeling unappreciated but I don't know why it's bugging me so much. Normally I can blow stuff off and I totally know it's normal... both the way I'm feeling and the way the kids are behaving. It's just normally it's only B. that I mainly have to contend with, and lately it's been all 3 presenting me with challenge after challenge. I need to find some new coping techniques, but I'm really not sure how to go about doing that. I don't know anyone IRL who has the same kind of issues, who I could confide in and who could relate to me.

No update on the roof. No one can come until later this week. I hope it doesn't rain before then.

I'm really tired. I need more coffee. Kids are off to school and I don't want to face trying to get B. up.
Avoidance.... I know. But it's so emotionally negative and I know I'm not rebounding well right now. I think I'll go get some more coffee and try to muster up the fortitude I need.

Last night my roof decided to spring a leak. Joy. 3 buckets in my living room. I hope this isn't going to be a big ordeal to get fixed. I don't like having strange people at my house or in my house. Strange as in unknown. I'm a bit paranoid I believe, but it makes me VERY uncomfortable. Fingers crossed for an easy fix.

My girls have been waiting with baited breath for American Idol. What a yawn fest the opening night was. Thank god for the DVR! I would have been wanting to slap something if I had to sit through those 2 hours of torture in real time. Every 1-2 "performances" and a commercial.! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! What is with those people? You'd think by the time they'd go to AI for an audition, they'd have some experience? Actual feedback that they are amazing singers? Maybe I'm just getting old and grouchy, but I found it more annoying than funny or entertaining. Of course there is no escaping the show here in my house.

M.'s alarm did not go off this morning for some unknown reason. Maybe we lost power during the night. Regardless, she is missing 1st period and I guess it's a blessing in disguise since I hear there is ice on the road. By the time we go out at 8am, any ice should be gonzo. It doesn't last long around here.

Yesterday was a day from hell. I hope today is better. Time for more coffee.......

Monthly Torture

Ugh Cramps....... brutal monthly torture. My cramps make me want to curl up in a ball and die for about 2 days. That plus the requisite stabing back pain and throbbing headache. Ironic, isn't it, that it's Sunday- a day of rest? (God, Adam & Eve, Sunday a day of rest... THAT irony) Thankfully there is nothing so important on today's agenda, that can't wait. It's still way to cold in my house. Three cheers for fleece blankets. That and a DVR full of Psych episodes to watch. Mindless entertainment. Sound perfect. I'm going to go curl up now and try block out my misery.

So Friggin Cold!

I'm getting mighty tired of being cold. It has been downright frigid. Days on end of cooooooold weather. Tonight at 6ish I was on my way home and it was 36 degrees. This morning when I got up it was 46 in my house. IN the house! at 10:30am no less! I am dreading my PG&E bill.... since I routinely pay almost $500/mo, I know it's going to be way more. I'm going to cry or go into shock most likely. Normally we try not to run the heat, but about 2 months ago we had to start running it. I would set it to 60 in the morning when I got up and let it run for a couple hours, then again in the evening for a couple hours. But this last month I've had to run it almost consistently... maybe I can turn it off in the afternoon for awhile. I've had to bump it up to 63-64 and we're still cold in the main part of the house. It gives me serious anxiety thinking about it. I wish it would warm up! Or I wish I had some firewood so I could light the fireplace.

I don't have much else to say tonight. It's been a long cold week and I've been fighting feeling depressed. I feel like I'm in a real pit right now, and it would be real easy to just slip in and stay in bed around the clock. Moms aren't allowed to do that though. It's been more of a struggle than usual lately though to make myself go through the motions of a regular day. I need to go to the doctor and insurance won't cover it. My legs hurt all the time now. I don't know what's wrong.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

It is soooooo cold and windy tonight. All my hard work on the yard last weekend, is being blown away. Wind, Wind, and more Wind expected along with rain and below freezing temps. Ran to the library tonight to get a book M. wanted and thought I was going to turn into an icicle on the 1.5 min walk from the car. Course it would have helped if I had a coat, but being a cali girl- I don't own a heavy jacket.
So the garbage men took my 8 extra bags of yard waste. Not sure what I'm supposed to do next week, when I can only put up the one can of yard waste. Not that I'll necessarily be doing any yardwork this weekend... as I'm being tormented with PMS symptoms which is always bad news. Out of commission for a few days is what I've come to expect. I have a feeling it's going to be particularly bad this month because I have had some serious cramps the past 2 days.

I don't have to much to else to say tonight. It's been a rather uneventful week so far. Coming to the end stretch of Geometry, thank, god. Was really stuck on some problems earlier this afternoon, but I came back to them and puzzled them out. Darned proud of it, if I do say so.
I was hoping to be done with everything by Friday, but I don't think that's going to happen.
B. has been working the past couple days, and although we have done math daily- it's been slow as the concepts in this last chapter are more challenging. I sucked in math when I was in HS- so I am pretty impressed that I've learned a whole year of Geometry in one quarter, right along with B.
Other than the math, it's been a pretty normal week... back to getting up at the crack of dawn. I've noticed that it's not quite light yet when I take M. to school at 7am now. That's different. It's seems that sunrise is a bit later. Back to the homework and running around after school going from activity A to B.
I've been thinking about where I want my life to go. Lately I feel rather empty. I'm not sure what to do to fill the void. I'm not sure I remember how it feels to be truely happy.
Not going to think to hard on it tonight..... I need some advil and some sleep. Plus some extra blankets.......

Aches and Pains

Ugh, my body aches. My knees hurt. My back hurts. My legs ache. I'm in such sad shape. Spent many hours of my weekend working on cleaning up my disaster of a yard. Amazing amounts of debris. Pine needles inches thick, branches and pine cones everywhere, not to mention the weeds. Did the front without to much ordeal, but it helps that I do blow the front regularly. The side and back yards, that's another deal. We don't really use the yard much. It's narrow and not landscaped. Mostly shaded and lots of tree cover-- so the kids don't even play ball outside, like they did at the other house. It doesn't help that there is a monster house behind us so any sense of privacy is nil when outside. The yard has been sorely neglected and I paid the price today. This week is the quarterly "clean up" week where you can put out 7 extra garbage bags. I hate throwing yard waste away, but once our big yard waste recycle can is full- what else can I do with it? So 8 bags later, plus the big wheeled bin, it's all up on the street now. If only the yard were done. I dread doing the rest! It might be 50% done, maybe less. I had such plans when we moved in here. Throw down grass seed, plants some flowers, etc. It's been easier to ignore it, I'm sad to say. I am not a gardener, nor a green thumb. In fact it's an accurate statement to say I abhor gardening. I seriously hate it! Sigh. I know I'm going to be sore in the morning. A morning that is going to be here all too soon.... since tomorrow it's back to the grind. Kids go back to school finally and that means it's back to the 6:15 alarm for me. Bleh!