Laughter, it's an amazing thing

So I knew tonight that Bri is definitely over the worst of her manic phase, when I witnessed her smile and laugh. Yes, laugh! Sadly, It's a rare occurance in my world. Maybe the Lunesta is actually helping. I can only hope!

Doc Update

So, she told her doc the truth. Maybe I got through to her a bit. Of course, I don't know what they talked about, but I was called in to discuss meds. No change in meds for now- we're supposed to work on sleep. He seems to feel that if we can get her sleep back where it should be that the rest will settle down. She does seem to be settling down but it's such a drain, dealing with the ups and downs day in and out. At least the super uber hostility has toned down. Now she just her usual grumpy self. I'm so tired...... all the time.

Truth Time

Going to B.'s doc this afternoon. I wonder if she'll be honest with him about how awful the past few weeks have been. I wish I could talk to him privately. It's been a rough road for about 3 weeks now. I've been having a really hard time with "it", much more so than usual. I just feel like my coping ability is really low right now. I really need Calgon to take me awayyyyyyyy......

Ptiching Fun

Cierra has been pegged to pitch this year and is loving it!

Cierra Batting

Grrrrrrr.... Pictures!

I've been trying to upload and publish pics of C. pitching for 2 days. Every time I get them all set and click upload- the page is returned with an error! It's quite aggravating....

Fun in the Sun.... and Wind

Nothing like a day at the pool in the sun and wind to tire you (me) out. Here it is only 10:30 and I'm seriously tired. 10 kiddos at the bday party today. Nearly a perfect day except for the blow-me-down wind! I'm to tired to upload pictures even. Lots of fun was had by all girl, minus one who had the typical pre-teen angst over some imagined injustice committed by one or more of the girls in attendance.

The Giants were rained out for the 2nd day in a row. Barry didn't get to wear #42, in honor of Jackie Robinson's 60th anniversary of his first game in the MLB. Instead, I watched the Padres and Dodgers on ESPN Sunday night baseball. The Pad's really sucked tonight. It was a disappointing, one sided game. All the Jackie Robinson festivities were cool though- especially hearing his widow speak. My interest is sufficiently peaked, that I may check the library for Jackie's auto-biography. I'm especially curious as to why he decided to retire, rather than be traded to the then NY Giants. I never knew that black players were forced to sleep at different hotels. That's appalling.

Softball game tomorrow night...... my girl will be pitching :o)

Birthday Pictures

Birthday Lunch


















View from our table
















Windy day, plus more of the view

\

Blowing out the candles!

Before opening gifts!

Yummm!!

Typical goofy poses..

Spring Break Draws to an End

Friday night. Spring Break is almost over. It was nice sleeping in a few days this past week . Cierra had her birthday. Tomorrow is softball games- and Sunday is C.'s bday party. Monday it's back to reality. I haven't uploaded the bday pictures yet. Each day seems to go by so quickly then it's midnight and I'm pooped! I'm not sure how B. is feeling... she is so hard to read, but I think the worst of her depressive episode has passed. I hope.

My Baby's Birthday

Today (Thurs) was my baby's 11th birthday! She had her sister sleep in her room last night, and this morning I woke to the sound of a door slamming at about 8am. There was then whispering and giggling for awhile, and in my half awake state, I recalled that the night before C. told me she was going to stay in bed until exactly 8:32 am, which is her birth time. At 8:33 am she came into my room to tell me she is now 11. Major tugging on my heartstrings! It was a good day... lots of laughing. Lunch at Sapporo's. I love that place. Japanese style cooking at your table. Beautiful sunny day, although very windy! I ordered the most phenomenal Black Forest Cake for her. Oh it was delish! She was beyond excited to receive the *big surprise*..... a cell phone!
It was a moment to remember-- the stunned, OMG look on her face! Even B. seemed to have a semi good time.... it's the first day she's been out of bed and somewhat out of her funk.

Happy Birthday Cierra!! I can't believe it's been 11 years already!
Pictures to follow.

Here we go again.....

My oldest daughter, B. is in a bad place, again. She is posting on her webpage about wanting to cut herself. Wanting to go to sleep and never get up. She won't talk to me. Her outward demeanor is hostile. Angry. Or alternatively, completely unresponsive. She doesn't try to fight it. She won't let anyone help her and I don't know what to do. She scares me when she is like this. I never know if she is just venting, or when/if it will go beyond words to action. I don't see any signs of mania- only depression. God I hate this. Why can't I help my child? Why won't she LET me? Doesn't she want to be happy... to somehow move beyond the demons that haunt her?

An Attack of Nostalgia

This week is going to go by to fast. I can feel it happening . Thursday is my baby's birthday.
I'm not prepared yet, so today is the day to get it done while she is at a friends house. I can't fathom how it's been nearly 11 years. Last night I was thinking about how 11 years ago I was in my last days of pregnancy- and it made me really sad. I know I'll never be pregnant again. No more babies. No more toddlers. That magical feeling of the baby moving inside you. I tried to remember exactly how it felt to hold her when she was hours old, and I had a very hard time recapturing the feeling. The joy of baby's first smile, their unbridled baby laughter, even the crying that only *you* can soothe. There was joy, in the midst of sheer exhaustion. My baby still likes to snuggle with me every night. She is my baseball watching buddy. She is very upset if she can't be right next to me on the couch. I found myself wondering how much longer it will last. Her 21 month older sister doesn't need to sit next to me anymore. She doesn't want my side or lap to snuggle up to. Normal, completely normal, I know. But.... I'm not ready for them to not need me anymore. I wish I could recapture and bottle the earlier days......for the future which I know is coming and I'd do anything to push it back.

Spring Break

Ahhhhh...... the bliss of "sleeping in!" Yes, it's spring break. Looking forward to a week with a much less hectic pace! Woke up a bit earlier than I would have liked but that is OK. The rest of the gang is still asleep. Everything is soooo quiet and peaceful. Yesterday was Easter- and the baskets were promptly demolished. Both M. and C. had chocolate breakfasts! Silly girls. I enjoyed a fabulously lazy afternoon which consisted of watching Giants baseball and movies. Free HBO weekend. I watched "Lake House" with Sandra Bullock, and completely loved the mushiness of it. I wish something like that could happen in real life. My lovely lazy day was abruptly overtaken last night when I caught my oldest daughter talking on the phone with some guy from My Space. Uggggghhhhh, double Uggghhh! To say I was blown away, is putting it mildly. I am still thinking about her stupidity some 12 hours later. I find it so hard to understand how her sense of right and wrong can be so off? I've talked to her repeatedly about safety, being responsible, etc. only for it to go in one ear-out the other. She knows about online predators. She knows about girls who go missing. She knows about how it could be anyone on the other side of the computer screen. She knows it can all be a pack of lies...We've talked about it frequently. Well scratch that-- **I've** talked AT her about it repeatedly. Yet she called a guy she doesn't know- and now he has her phone number. And we'll never know who he *really* is, and what type of danger she or we, could have been in. I've googled the number but just as I expected- no info. Because it's a cell, of course. She thinks I'm over-reacting (what a surprise)-- I feel like I've failed somehow.
Silly, the logical side of my brain knows it's not me-- but how do I convince the emotional side?

I need a bullhorn

As I go through the daily morning ritual of trying to get my oldest out of bed, I have vary emotions from weary, resigned, could-care-less, annoyed, to down right pissed off. This morning fell into the category "what the hell". Not exactly pissed, just really sick of it. I'm wondering how she would react to a bullhorn or an air horn. That probably sounds incredibly cruel to anyone who doesn't understand the situation here on an almost daily basis. No, I can't just leave her and make her responsible.... because then she will not get up. I did actually do just that, one day last week when I was on my last thread with this whole morning business- and yep, she didn't wake up until after her class was over and then I was accused of "not waking her up." Whatever. I just wish I could understand more completely what it means to be bipolar and not have the ability to get up to an alarm in the morning. How is it different, than for other folks who get up every day this way? I could have more empathy perhaps, if she'd make an attempt to communicate about it, but that is obviously not going to happen....... ever.

Busy Week

I didn't have to get up until 6:30 today and woke at 6am. I hate that! Upon waking my mind shifted into gear immediately and I realized I'm going to be out of the house every night this week... that is so exhausting. Softball game away, tonight. Softball game-home, tomorrow. Wed is Spring Open House at the elementary school, plus 1 dd's softball practice. Thursday- band rehearsal, softball practice, pitching practice. Friday- softball game-home. Throw in assorted days my oldest will be working, going to school, etc and all the driving her to-and-fro..... I'm going to be DEAD friday night. At least it's mostly fun stuff! Hope I can get some pics of the girls playing in their games.

I was wrong... NOW I'm coming out of the fog!

So, I was wrong. My last post stated I was coming out of the fog. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. It's been another week and NOW I'm finally getting over the hellish crud I've had. What a misery the past two weeks have been. I'm about 80% better... if only the cough and headache would go away I'd be much happier!

Meanwhile life goes on and I never got a day to spend in bed. I caught naps in the afternoon here and there, those were soooo sweet. I love a nap in the daytime. There is something so satisfying about the sleep that occurs during those naps.

Softball season is upon us here at my house. Practices have been underway for about 3-4 weeks and opening day was yesterday. Spent the bulk of my day at the ballpark. Beautiful day and 2 games won. I am keeping the scorebook for both teams, so unfortunately I didn't get any pictures! Darn. I'm going to have to figure out how to get some picture taking time in. Between regular team practices, pitching practice and games anywhere from 2-4 nights per week, the next couple months are going to be busy busy busy. C. is loving getting the opportunity to pitch, and her pitching coach is such a sweet girl. Today she learned how to do a change up. I'm fairly impressed with how well she's doing after only 1 month..... she is only 10 years old, but lest I forget her birthday is in 12 days- as she delightfully reminded me today.

So my baby is going to be 11 years old. That seriously depresses me. She is growing up way to fast for my liking. Since I have a taste of what's to come, via middle school and high school- I am in no hurry for her to grow up. This is going to be a bittersweet birthday this year.

Meanwhile my oldest, B. is such a puzzle. She is difficult, un-communicative, moody, unpleasant, rude and generally such a PITB to live with. I wonder so frequently if life with her would be different if we'd known when she was 10- that she was bipolar. I would think after the past 3-4 years of dealing with her depression and mood swings that we'd be on more stable ground, especially her, having learned her triggers and what to do or not do... something, anything? Yet, maybe at 17 years old, it's asking to much that she take some responsibility for her life? Noticing she is spiraling, trying to do something about it, or at least communicate about it? It just doesn't happen and it's so damned frustrating. The sense of despair I feel at times concerning her is all-consuming. I want so much for her, yet I wonder (worry) if she'll ever be mature enough to deal with her illness, and be able to live a fulfilling responsible life on her own.

Enough worrying and critical thinking for now.....