Spring Break

Ahhhhh...... the bliss of "sleeping in!" Yes, it's spring break. Looking forward to a week with a much less hectic pace! Woke up a bit earlier than I would have liked but that is OK. The rest of the gang is still asleep. Everything is soooo quiet and peaceful. Yesterday was Easter- and the baskets were promptly demolished. Both M. and C. had chocolate breakfasts! Silly girls. I enjoyed a fabulously lazy afternoon which consisted of watching Giants baseball and movies. Free HBO weekend. I watched "Lake House" with Sandra Bullock, and completely loved the mushiness of it. I wish something like that could happen in real life. My lovely lazy day was abruptly overtaken last night when I caught my oldest daughter talking on the phone with some guy from My Space. Uggggghhhhh, double Uggghhh! To say I was blown away, is putting it mildly. I am still thinking about her stupidity some 12 hours later. I find it so hard to understand how her sense of right and wrong can be so off? I've talked to her repeatedly about safety, being responsible, etc. only for it to go in one ear-out the other. She knows about online predators. She knows about girls who go missing. She knows about how it could be anyone on the other side of the computer screen. She knows it can all be a pack of lies...We've talked about it frequently. Well scratch that-- **I've** talked AT her about it repeatedly. Yet she called a guy she doesn't know- and now he has her phone number. And we'll never know who he *really* is, and what type of danger she or we, could have been in. I've googled the number but just as I expected- no info. Because it's a cell, of course. She thinks I'm over-reacting (what a surprise)-- I feel like I've failed somehow.
Silly, the logical side of my brain knows it's not me-- but how do I convince the emotional side?

I need a bullhorn

As I go through the daily morning ritual of trying to get my oldest out of bed, I have vary emotions from weary, resigned, could-care-less, annoyed, to down right pissed off. This morning fell into the category "what the hell". Not exactly pissed, just really sick of it. I'm wondering how she would react to a bullhorn or an air horn. That probably sounds incredibly cruel to anyone who doesn't understand the situation here on an almost daily basis. No, I can't just leave her and make her responsible.... because then she will not get up. I did actually do just that, one day last week when I was on my last thread with this whole morning business- and yep, she didn't wake up until after her class was over and then I was accused of "not waking her up." Whatever. I just wish I could understand more completely what it means to be bipolar and not have the ability to get up to an alarm in the morning. How is it different, than for other folks who get up every day this way? I could have more empathy perhaps, if she'd make an attempt to communicate about it, but that is obviously not going to happen....... ever.

Busy Week

I didn't have to get up until 6:30 today and woke at 6am. I hate that! Upon waking my mind shifted into gear immediately and I realized I'm going to be out of the house every night this week... that is so exhausting. Softball game away, tonight. Softball game-home, tomorrow. Wed is Spring Open House at the elementary school, plus 1 dd's softball practice. Thursday- band rehearsal, softball practice, pitching practice. Friday- softball game-home. Throw in assorted days my oldest will be working, going to school, etc and all the driving her to-and-fro..... I'm going to be DEAD friday night. At least it's mostly fun stuff! Hope I can get some pics of the girls playing in their games.

I was wrong... NOW I'm coming out of the fog!

So, I was wrong. My last post stated I was coming out of the fog. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. It's been another week and NOW I'm finally getting over the hellish crud I've had. What a misery the past two weeks have been. I'm about 80% better... if only the cough and headache would go away I'd be much happier!

Meanwhile life goes on and I never got a day to spend in bed. I caught naps in the afternoon here and there, those were soooo sweet. I love a nap in the daytime. There is something so satisfying about the sleep that occurs during those naps.

Softball season is upon us here at my house. Practices have been underway for about 3-4 weeks and opening day was yesterday. Spent the bulk of my day at the ballpark. Beautiful day and 2 games won. I am keeping the scorebook for both teams, so unfortunately I didn't get any pictures! Darn. I'm going to have to figure out how to get some picture taking time in. Between regular team practices, pitching practice and games anywhere from 2-4 nights per week, the next couple months are going to be busy busy busy. C. is loving getting the opportunity to pitch, and her pitching coach is such a sweet girl. Today she learned how to do a change up. I'm fairly impressed with how well she's doing after only 1 month..... she is only 10 years old, but lest I forget her birthday is in 12 days- as she delightfully reminded me today.

So my baby is going to be 11 years old. That seriously depresses me. She is growing up way to fast for my liking. Since I have a taste of what's to come, via middle school and high school- I am in no hurry for her to grow up. This is going to be a bittersweet birthday this year.

Meanwhile my oldest, B. is such a puzzle. She is difficult, un-communicative, moody, unpleasant, rude and generally such a PITB to live with. I wonder so frequently if life with her would be different if we'd known when she was 10- that she was bipolar. I would think after the past 3-4 years of dealing with her depression and mood swings that we'd be on more stable ground, especially her, having learned her triggers and what to do or not do... something, anything? Yet, maybe at 17 years old, it's asking to much that she take some responsibility for her life? Noticing she is spiraling, trying to do something about it, or at least communicate about it? It just doesn't happen and it's so damned frustrating. The sense of despair I feel at times concerning her is all-consuming. I want so much for her, yet I wonder (worry) if she'll ever be mature enough to deal with her illness, and be able to live a fulfilling responsible life on her own.

Enough worrying and critical thinking for now.....

Slowly coming out of the Fog

Finally turned the corner with the virus from hell. I can't remember when I've been so sick. It's been a miserable week. Needed to be in bed, and never got to do that. I've caught some naps here and there but it was impossible to actually stay in bed like I really could have/should have, for at least a couple of the worst days. Despite being sicker than sick, softball practice, school, band, girl scouts, pitching practice, etc etc - all goes on which meant no rest pour moi. Tomorrow I have to be up early again- but the afternoon will be mine to sleep or at least veg, I hope. If only I could get rid of this hellish headache, pressure and pain. Calgon, take me away. Oh yeah- I guess I lack the spa tub for that. Drat!

Being Sick Sucks

Ugh, I am so sick. Slammed out of the blue with some horrid nasty respiratory crap. Every muscle in my body hurts, especially my neck and back. I sounds like I'm dying when I cough and feel like it too. Can't remember the last time I was in such misery. Can't sleep, cough-cough-cough- head is going to explode and my chest feels like it's on fire. Where's the mommy to mommy me?
This sucks..........I need some good drugs.

Friday Again Already?

So it's Friday again already. Life is just flying these days. I'm exhausted as usual when friday rolls around.
After several misserable days, M.'s new antibiotic kicked in and and she is FINALLY about 95% well. Return visit to the doc yesterday- one week after the moster rash from the cipro. Ceftin did the trick. The rash is gone now, just some residual scabbbing left. Nose bleeds are the remaining prob- so she has yet another prescription to help reduce the remaining inflamation.
So we're moving right from basketball season into softball. Last games are this week for basketball and softball is underway now with practices having started this week. I think I've been out everynight this week for a meeting, game or practice. I love love love softball season though. Softball rocks!
B. is doing well with her studies; she's about done with US History & Health. All that will be left for the year is English and some random elective of her choice. I'm still hoping that she will be finished with HS next year by January. She is doing much better now that she is out of the traditional school setting. The past few weeks she has been very edgy and irritable, and that is always hard for me to deal with because she is so unpleasant to me and non-communicative. For the most part though, I try hard to remind myself that she has come SO far in one year-- we were deep in the pits of hell last year at this time. It's a struggle within myself to not become mired down with depression. Sometimes it's just a day by day deal. Some days I really beat myself up for not knowing years ago that there was something really amiss with her; that she was not just passing through some phase and would be better soon. If I had a dollar for every teacher, adult, doctor who told me that. I'll never forget the 2nd grade teacher who told me she was ADD, but didn't think we should medicate. Then there was the infamous raging episode in the Teepee in 3rd grade- which when I look back on it now, was a HUGE tip off that she was having some sort of manic episode. The really odd thing about that is that the teacher didn't even tell me about it until parent conferences some months later...it boggles me that I didn't get a call about it. Anyway, I know it doesn't do me any good to re-live this stuff but I feel like I've some incredibly failed her for not knowing and/or being more pushy to get answers. I wonder how different her life could be now- had we gotten help for her when she was very young- versus it coming to a life threating crisis as a teen. Well I guess that's enough pity party for today. I just need to get it out sometimes.
It's going to be a busy weekend! Looking forward to Sunday afternoon when I will hopefully have some "me" time to relax.
One last thing: what is UP with American Idol? We love that show and I can't believe that Sunjay(?) and Antonella were NOT voted off! Erg!